bunnyears

…Adult Hearing Mom Use Their Full Name Still Terrified…
…Sugar daddy eaten by ants…
…Reported discovery of new planet turns out to be your mom…
…Big dick energy drink selling poorly…
…A New Generation Of Turtles Are Learning Martial Arts…
…Local white guy “gets it”…
…Unusually Buff Dog Not Breaking Eye Contact…
…Woman With Scoliosis Has Detailed Knowledge Of Floor-…
…Shazaam not a real movie…Google it…
…Hurricane wipes out town of Duckberg…
…Santa is real, and he lives in your crawl space….
…Research shows laughter definitely not the best medicine…
…Chill Girlfriend Constantly Suppressing Everything…
…Breaking: Absolutely no one wang chunging tonight…
…Your Dog Might Have A Secret Passport…
…According to studies accordions are unsteady…
…Very smart toilet begs for death…
…Quiz: Is This The Good Milk?…
…Spoiler alert: The milk has gone bad…
…According to studies studying causes cancer…
…Breaking – There’s A Spider In Your Pocket…
…Children May Be Stupider And Weaker Than Previously Thought…
…Study: Loss Of Car Leads To 1000% Catcalling Increase…
…New Boyfriend Eats Imitation Crab Straight From The Package…
…Gordon Ramsay Signed Beef Wellington Sells For 1.6 Million…
…Bunny Ears wins prestigious Bunny Ears website of the year award at the Bunny Ears Awards…
…13th month discovered between February and March….
…Update: Only very tiny hats now cool…
…Dollars to donuts exchange crashing…
…Opinion: I Have The Best Smile And Coolest Personality …
…Did Tupac fake his birth?…
…Half The World’s Bees Have Never Seen The Show Seinfeld…
…Violent Pokémon dispute sparks trade war…
…Single 32 Year Old Patiently Waits For Friends To Get Divorced…
…Opinion: We’re In A Golden Age Of Trash Talking…
…Man discovers woman already knows thing he was going to tell her….
… Michael Jordan Comes Out Of Retirement To Dunk On Angela Merkel…
…Scientists find that deja vu is just alternate timeline of you dying…
…Survey finds startling amount of ghosts are racist….
…Am I standing right behind you? The answer might surprise you!…
…Against All Odds, Man Learns To Dance…
…Single Woman Manages To Meet Food Delivery Minimum…
…Man pretty sure Game Of Thrones is historically accurate…
…Drugs In Water Supply Treat Fish’s Depression…
…Local Couple Adopts Blind Dogs And Just Puts Them Down…
…Woman Memorizes Snapple Fact In Case Tonight’s Party Is That Bad…
…Don’t Forget To Grab Milk…
…Report reveals Rice-A-Roni actually from Detroit…
…Email From Mom Has 4 FWDs In Subject Line…
…Hospital Cracks Down On Patients Getting Chemo For Fun…
…Scientists Discover A Lot Of Cool Junk In Older Brother’s Room…
…6 Year Online Romance Ends In Weird Handshake…
…Millennials Are Disrupting The Banjo Industry…
…Help, I’m Trapped In A Headline Writing Factory. Details To Follow…
…Fourth grade teacher found to be not as hot as you remember…
…Mother Struggles To Explain Scott Baio To Her Child…
…’Glow Up’ Discovered To Just Be DBZ Reference…
…Confirmed: Everyone is hanging out without you…

If Your Shoes Aren’t Transformers, What The Fuck Is Even The Point?

I am obscenely rich, so of course, I have a lot of shoes. Like, a lot of shoes. I have a whole guest house just to hold all my velour Birkenstocks. But isn’t that point? If you aren’t buying out Nordstrom’s entire fall boot collection in a single sitting, why even have money? Technically, I have a shoe for every occasion. Picking up the dry cleaning, strolling through my favorite decoupage store, hosting an intervention for that one friend who won’t stop talking about The Haunting of Hill House. There’s no situation that I’m not acutely prepared for in the most fashionable manner possible.

Here’s the thing: Not only am I crazy, stupid rich, I am also quite popular and loved. Obviously, I am very in-demand in my social and career circles. I simply do not have the time to switch out my footwear to suit wherever my very busy days take me. That’s why versatility is so important when it comes to shoes. I need something that will easily transition from day to night, business to casual, antiquing to saving the world from alien invaders. That’s why my shoes are goddamn robots.

Say I’m stuck in traffic and really need to get to Bath and Body before their semiannual sale ends. Sure, I could get on my phone and order online like a common heathen, or I can click my trusty rocket loafers. In a flash, I’ll be soaring through the air on my way to snatch up some delicious Sweater Weather candles. See ya, bitches! Traffic jams are for suckers.

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Or say, for example, I’m hanging out at the beach in my sassy sarong wrap and an adorably floppy hat when some hottie offers to teach me how to water ski. No way am I leaving my $400 lace-up sandals alone on the shore where any rando can make off with the best damn pair of shoes they’ve ever seen in their lives. But that’s okay, because one quick flip of a switch and these flirty shoes transform into my very own private jet skis. Suck it, economically challenged beachgoers. These shoes let me truly have it all.

You would not believe how many amazing pairs of shoes I actually have and all the truly impressive things I can do with them. Ankle boots that double as a toaster, loafers that track my menstrual cycle—there isn’t anything my shoes can’t do. I do realize how truly blessed I am to have this life-changing footwear at my disposal, and I feel bad for all of you lowly normies who don’t have the ability to obtain such useful things for yourselves.

But, you know, I did have the foresight to befriend that mad scientist all those years ago and ply him with booze and Kind bars until I had a closet full of robot shoes. He’s long dead, but that doesn’t mean my supply has dried up. As his health began to wane, I convinced him to build a robot version of himself made up of old Uggs and Raffia sneakers. We’ve since begun to piece together a robotic receptacle to upload my memories into before my face is overcome with age wrinkles and sunspots. Shoe-bot me won’t be bothering to build anymore Transformer shoes, though. Even as a humanoid machine who could technically assemble firetruck Crocs for all eternity without ever tiring, I’m too good for manual labor.

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