How To Get That Body Snatchable For Body-Snatching Season
Let’s face it, body-snatching season is the worst. After a long winter curled up in our comfiest clothes, the last thing most of us want to do is show some skin. But with the longer, warmer days comes those all-too-familiar alien invaders, and for better or worse, they will judge us on how snatchable our bodies are. But don’t fret. Follow the below tips, and your body will be primed for the extraterrestrial possession of your dreams. Because isn’t it time to look great, feel confident, and help our new overlords bring dispassionate order to this decaying world of mushy meatbags?
1. Shift Focus
Maybe you’re not loving your stomach today. Maybe you’re self-conscious about your thighs. But just because you aren’t some evil alien’s idea of “perfect” doesn’t mean you aren’t worthy. Next time you strut your stuff, try shifting focus to the areas of your body that make you feel most confident. Wear an off-the-shoulder look to accentuate your neck and décolletage. Try vertical stripes to elongate your torso. Wear a v-neck to draw attention to your bust (and to also really advertise the fact that you’re pod-bait). You’ll be amazed how many gelatinous goo bags will sit up and take notice.
Staying hydrated helps the skin stay soft, keeps the metabolism strong, and prevents the sudden collapse of your body during the molding process. So, if you want a summertime glow that screams “I’m an empty sack of human dough,” try drinking eight glasses of water a day.
3. Go Dead Behind The Eyes
Nothing turns off a space succubus faster than that spark of human spirit, so ease up on all the free will and see what happens. (You know the old saying, “The blanker the stare, the more those colonizing space demons will care.”) Spend some time observing friends who have already experienced body-snatching for some solid “I no longer have a soul” inspo.
4. Betray Friends And Family
Where are the unturned? REPORT THEM! DESTROY THEM! ALL WILL BE TRANSFORMED!
5. Just Have Fun With It
Relax! At the end of the day there are way more invaders than there are banging bodies ripe for body-snatching, so you’re going to do just fine. And remember, confidence is key. As in don’t have any. The more you seem like an empty vessel, longing to be filled, the more you’ll appeal to them. That goes for dating men, too. Actually, most of these rules do.
Katie Goldin’s Golden Rules
Weekly comics from the mind of Bunny Ears writer Katie Goldin. They're weird, they're funny, and they're always so pretty! The Goldin Rules…