How My Yeast Infection Landed Me A Deal On Shark Tank

It was another day, another yeast infection. My usual routine of sex, swim, and sit (in a wet bathing suit) had yet again left me with an itchy vag and white discharge. Some people learn from their mistakes. Others take those mistakes and become rich bitches with a deal on Shark Tank. In case you didn’t guess, I’m one of the latter.

It all started when I began learning about the health benefits of live yeast and probiotics in the digestive tract. “Yeast,” I thought. “I’ve got that!” My cousin Liz’s best friend Mike is dating Barbara Corcoran’s back waxer’s identical twin, and before I knew it, I was pitching my non-existent but soon-to-be probiotic line made with 100% all-natural vagina yeast to the Sharks!

My pitch was simple: My yeast is completely free to produce, which brings down the variable costs and overheads. My supply averages once a week, but if needed, I could stop the Monistat and become a yeast factory until we expand … and that’s where guest shark Sara Blakely (the founder of Spanx) came in. Her beyond uncomfortable, organ-crushing shape-wear causes millions of yeast infections every year, so it was a match made in heaven. Want 20% off your next pair of Spanx? Send us your yeast! I had my first investor, and Sara had a whole new marketing campaign!

Life has been great since I went on Shark Tank. Sure, I’ve lost a few men in my life who are afraid of a strong, successful woman with a never-ending string of self-induced yeast infections. But that’s a price I’m willing to pay (plus, it’s honestly easier to just schedule group sex sessions on Craigslist to keep the infections coming). And that wet bathing suit of mine? I’m still wearing it—only this time, it’s been in my Olympic-sized swimming pool I built with all that Shark Tank money.

So remember: If you can dream it, you can do it. Just stay moist and dank down there.

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