This Shopping App Will Save You Tons Of $ By Threatening Your Pets
We’ve all been there: One minute, you’re just browsing around on Amazon, and the next thing you know, you’ve spent $20,000 on trucker hats without remembering that we’re allergic to trucks or bought a private island when just a cove would have been fine. But ever since I started using this awesome new app called Pet Threat, I’ve saved over $3,000 on purchases I didn’t need. It really teaches you to stop and think for a minute before you buy, because if you don’t, they will send someone to hurt your pet.
All you have to do is sign up, enter the names and ages of each of your pets, and tell them a few fun facts about each one, then let the app know whenever your thinking of purchasing something. Pet Threat will respond to you right away with an individually tailored threat to your fuzzy friend’s life.
A few days ago, I was inches away from buying a Michael Kors purse I did not need when I got a picture of someone holding my bunny, Nanners, over the side of a bridge. It was captioned “Let go of the cash, and I let go of the rabbit.” Don’t worry—Nanners was perfectly safe the entire time. The picture was just Photoshopped. Well, I’m pretty sure it was. Either way, I saved a ton of cash.
If you have multiple pets, you can even rate them by how much you love them so the company knows how to really hit you where it hurts. For a small purchase, they might threaten to simply tap on your beta fish’s bowl or make a high-pitched sound that your puppy will intensely dislike. Once you go over $10,000, though, stuff starts to get pretty … pretty intense. I’m not going to lie.
A few weeks ago, when I bought a single tiny boat, they sold my rabbit to a fur trader in China. It was kind of a Taken situation. I was on the phone with customer service forever. In the end, I had to call in a lot of favors and hire a private security firm to track her down, but boy, did I learn my lesson! The next time I want to splurge, I am not telling that app.
At least, that’s what I told myself at the time, but I should have known I couldn’t stop. The good folks of Pet Threat really, genuinely care about helping their customers with their spending habits, which is why they tracked me down. No matter where Nanners and I went, they found me. They found me, and they made me not pay.
Obviously, I’m thrilled with the results. Was it rocky there for a bit? Sure. Am I entirely certain that the rabbit I got back from China is the same rabbit I started with? No. In fact, I’m pretty sure this one is a boy, and Nanners was girl. Still, I haven’t bought something I didn’t really need in months. In fact, I haven’t even left the house! I’m too afraid they’re watching me.
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