Keanu Reeves Just Ate A Switch And We’re Losing Our Minds

May 7, 2022 by , featured in Video Games
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This year, Keanu Reeves (dressed as his Cyberpunk 2077 character Niko Barrage) spoke at the Video Game Master Movements Awards, sharing what being a gamer means to him. And we were lucky enough to be there in person.

“When I was a kid,” he began, “I had Pong. I had Atari and I had Sega. I didn’t have an NES though, couldn’t stand the idea of it. So when CD Project Red contacted me about appearing in this game, I only had one condition: No Nintendo.”

“‘But oh, Keanu,‘ some people said to me, ‘what about the Nintendo Switch. It’s different. It’s new.‘ Here’s what I think about the Switch,” he continued. 

A stage hand then brought out two hoagies and a red and blue Switch on a silver platter. Without a moment’s hesitation, Keanu Reeves took the hoagies, threw the Switch between them, and bit down. After a moment or two, he took another bite before turning to the audience with a smile. “Needs more mustard!” he said. In three big bites he had swallowed it all. 

And then he was brought another, this one covered in mustard. “Oh yeah, that’s the stuff,” he said before biting down on it to thunderous applause. “The PS4 is the only good video gaming system on the face of the Earth,” he said, through bites. “Also the Xbox, the PC, and the Google stadia.” He paused for a drink. “Fuck the Nintendo Switch,” the actor said, earning his first of many FCC violations of the night before taking several more big bites and finishing the console.

He held open his mouth, as if to say, “Look, all gone!” and the crowd screamed in delight.

“Magnificent” Hideo Kojima could be overheard saying.

“This is what Cyberpunk really is,” said commentator Henry Rollins, as the man on stage bled from his mouth and crunched down on the second joypad. 

“Give me another!” Keanu Reeves shouted to disbelieving gasps. “Bring me a [bleep]-damn ‘nother!” His assistant rushed on stage with a large sack. The Matrix star pulled a limited edition Breath of the Wild Switch out and paused.

“This fucking guy, look at this fucking guy. His smug face. I saved Hyrule—save this!” And he bit down on it, hard.

We caught up with Keanu a week later at a local cafe. Eschewing ordering, he pulled out a small Tupperware with two joy cons and a Switch.

“It’s all I can eat now. I fucking hate these things. I’ll eat all of them,” he said, pouring on both salt and pepper.

The heat is now on other icons. Will Norman Reedus scarf down a Steam machine? Is Ellen Page going to go ballistic on a SNES Classic? Only time will tell, but we don’t need to wait to know that no one will do it with as much style as internet boyfriend Keanu Reeves.

Image: Gordon Correll/Wikimedia, Nintendo

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