Apply Early! These Preschools Are So Exclusive They Don’t Allow Children

November 22, 2021 by , featured in Spiritual Wellness
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Getting your little ones into the perfect, exclusive preschool takes work these days, but how do you know which schools are worth all that extra effort? Here’s a list of a few faves sure to give your kids the head start they deserve, even if they don’t technically allow children. Good luck!

Slip & Slope Children’s Center—Park Slope, Brooklyn

exclusive preschool

From the herb gardens and meditation cubes to the sound baths and color therapy spaces, this elegant institution is utterly perfect, right down to the lavish, empty classrooms (with three teachers apiece). If students were ever allowed in here, they would be receiving the best education money can buy, but they’re not, so we’ll just focus on the professional-quality art studio that looks like it’s never been used except by New York Times photographers and the occasional lifestyle Instagrammer. Waitlist: Three years.

Wood & Vine Pop-Up Preschool—Los Angeles, California

This pop-up is a more curated experience than a proper preschool. Opening every other Sunday of the month in a different, ironically shabby strip mall, students are encouraged to experience the joys of childhood, taking pictures in front of oversize Lego and American Girl dolls. Because they serve alcohol, it’s 21 and up, but kids can still Skype in. They’ll just have to look away from the screen due to all the pornographic imagery on the walls. The teachers—hired from Craigslist hours before opening—spend their days drinking Groundwork coffee, napping, and writing screenplays. Waitlist: They can’t really tell you, but it’s gonna be a bit.

Bull Spunk—Williamsburg, Brooklyn

exclusive preschool

This hip hang spot for toddlers has been named “Coolest Preschool” by Fuck You Magazine eight years in a row. Built to look like CBGB, a live band plays 24 hours a day, mostly songs you probably haven’t heard of. The teachers are made up of stand-up comedians who hate kids and themselves. The play area is an unsafe alleyway, because life is hard, and sometimes you need a smoke even if it’s winter. Suffice it to say, they still haven’t received an application from a kid cool enough to handle it. Waitlist: Whatever.

The Shining Diamond Preschool—Highland, Texas

exclusive preschool

One giant room, the size of a football field, sits empty. In its center is a single diamond, the largest in the world. Lasers crisscross the space, ready to set off a state-of-the-art security system if anyone were to enter. Armed guards are stationed outside the building 24 hours a day, making sure no one, from precocious three-year-olds to world-renowned jewel thieves, have access to its hallowed halls. It’s unclear why this is even considered a preschool, which is what makes it so popular. Waitlist: eight years.

The Gosse Academy Of Excellence—Gstaad, Switzerland

exclusive preschoolSure, the $30 million tuition may seem steep, but this one-of-a-kind, exclusive preschool academy more than earns it. Its luck students would spend their days mingling with a rotating cast of Fortune 500 and political power players. From finger painting with Bill and Melinda Gates to post-nap martinis with Narendra Modi, if you study at this exclusive school, you’re set up for success. Unfortunately, the only family who’s ever been willing to pay the hefty price tag was rejected because they were Jewish. Waitlist: Waiting for an ethnically acceptable applicant.

Images: Pexels, Pexels, Pexels, Rory FinnerenPexels, Pexels

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