bunnyears

…Single 32 Year Old Patiently Waits For Friends To Get Divorced…
…Study: Loss Of Car Leads To 1000% Catcalling Increase…
…Research shows laughter definitely not the best medicine…
…Scientists Discover A Lot Of Cool Junk In Older Brother’s Room…
…Chill Girlfriend Constantly Suppressing Everything…
…Man pretty sure Game Of Thrones is historically accurate…
…Hospital Cracks Down On Patients Getting Chemo For Fun…
…Man discovers woman already knows thing he was going to tell her….
…Unusually Buff Dog Not Breaking Eye Contact…
…Hurricane wipes out town of Duckberg…
…Dollars to donuts exchange crashing…
…Opinion: We’re In A Golden Age Of Trash Talking…
…According to studies studying causes cancer…
…Woman Memorizes Snapple Fact In Case Tonight’s Party Is That Bad…
…Did Tupac fake his birth?…
…Single Woman Manages To Meet Food Delivery Minimum…
…Your Dog Might Have A Secret Passport…
…Am I standing right behind you? The answer might surprise you!…
…Survey finds startling amount of ghosts are racist….
…Half The World’s Bees Have Never Seen The Show Seinfeld…
…Mother Struggles To Explain Scott Baio To Her Child…
…Opinion: I Have The Best Smile And Coolest Personality …
…Breaking – There’s A Spider In Your Pocket…
…Local white guy “gets it”…
…Bunny Ears wins prestigious Bunny Ears website of the year award at the Bunny Ears Awards…
…Update: Only very tiny hats now cool…
… Michael Jordan Comes Out Of Retirement To Dunk On Angela Merkel…
…Don’t Forget To Grab Milk…
…Local Couple Adopts Blind Dogs And Just Puts Them Down…
…Violent Pokémon dispute sparks trade war…
…Scientists find that deja vu is just alternate timeline of you dying…
…Help, I’m Trapped In A Headline Writing Factory. Details To Follow…
…Spoiler alert: The milk has gone bad…
…Children May Be Stupider And Weaker Than Previously Thought…
…Fourth grade teacher found to be not as hot as you remember…
…According to studies accordions are unsteady…
…Drugs In Water Supply Treat Fish’s Depression…
…Shazaam not a real movie…Google it…
…Report reveals Rice-A-Roni actually from Detroit…
…Reported discovery of new planet turns out to be your mom…
…Sugar daddy eaten by ants…
…6 Year Online Romance Ends In Weird Handshake…
…Gordon Ramsay Signed Beef Wellington Sells For 1.6 Million…
…Millennials Are Disrupting The Banjo Industry…
…13th month discovered between February and March….
…’Glow Up’ Discovered To Just Be DBZ Reference…
…Woman With Scoliosis Has Detailed Knowledge Of Floor-…
…Very smart toilet begs for death…
…Quiz: Is This The Good Milk?…
…Against All Odds, Man Learns To Dance…
…Confirmed: Everyone is hanging out without you…
…New Boyfriend Eats Imitation Crab Straight From The Package…
…Email From Mom Has 4 FWDs In Subject Line…
…Adult Hearing Mom Use Their Full Name Still Terrified…
…Big dick energy drink selling poorly…
…A New Generation Of Turtles Are Learning Martial Arts…
…Santa is real, and he lives in your crawl space….
…Breaking: Absolutely no one wang chunging tonight…

Oh No, The 2019 Must-Have Look Is The Movie Hackers

hackers

Do you remember the 1995 cyber caper Hackers? The one about a bunch of high school hackers in mid-’90s New York who dress like characters from a post-apocalyptic steampunk alternate universe while every other character in the movie dresses like a normal person? Of course you do. Well, unfortunately, fashion designers are saying that we’ll all be dressing that way next year.

Goddammit. Why? Why?! I don’t want to dress like a mad professor who is simultaneously old-fashioned and from the distant future. Fashion world, why would you parade your models down the catwalk wearing skintight yellow fishnet shirts, red leopard-print pants, and round sunglasses with frames so small they only cover the pupils of the models’ eyes and then tell us that’s exactly what we’re all going to look like a year from now? To rub the disproportionate influence you hold over our culture in our faces? We already know whatever shit you throw on that catwalk is going to end up on our asses. You didn’t need a giant video screen behind it showing Leonardo da Vinci’s Vitruvian Man telling us that we will wear whatever the fuck you want us to wear. That was a step too far.

I don’t think any of us are truly prepared to live in a world where every man is dressed like Matthew Lillard’s Cereal Killer, i.e. the pilot of a gyrocopter who took off in the year 1920 and crash-landed in 2088. So many normal, everyday folks who are in no way plugged into the fashion world are going to be so confused when everything hanging on the racks looks like a kaleidoscopic Windows 98 screensaver. Fashion designers, please, I beg you, there is still time to reverse your decision to have us all wear clothing that seems specifically designed for people who shop for their snowboarding gear while on acid. I get chills thinking about the men, women, and children who will all be wearing motorcycle jackets over wetsuit tops accessorized with knee pads.

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hackers

I can’t believe you have the audacity to assume that so many of us will gladly take up rollerblading as our primary mode of transportation just because that’s how the main characters from a movie with a 32% critics’ score on Rotten Tomatoes get around New York City. That alone displays a startling misunderstanding of how far things are from other things for most people.

Why the obsession with overalls? Because that one hacker from the movie wore them in that one scene? Overalls have never once been the missing element that brings a look together unless the look you’re going for is “rural hog farmer.” You should know this, but I assume you’ve been too corrupted by power to care. Nobody wants to dress like this, yet according to your so-called “experts,” denim pantsuits that are fastened at the nipples will be the only way to identify other cool people. Why would you do this to us?

hackers

Our fashion future looks grim, but no part of it is as troubling as the chain wallets coming our way. Oh, dear Gaia, the chain wallets. Chains as thick as a garden hose that dangle so low that every step comes with the risk of pantsing yourself. Just because those teenagers from 1995 wished they were zoot-suited 1920s swing dancers doesn’t mean the people of the 21st century need our cash leashed like a junkyard pit bull.

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Fashion designers, if you won’t repeal next year’s styles that will assuredly leave us all dressed as techno dorks, then we all beg you to at least find inspiration from a different movie from 1995. Clueless, Goldeneye, Casino—all great options. Who are we kidding? We’ll settle for Judge Dredd at this point. Anything other than Hackers. But unless next year’s fashions include functioning gills, it’d better not be Waterworld.

Images: MGM

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2 Comments
  1. eh. More cyberpunk than steampunk, imo.

    Also, I already have a closet full of clothes like that so I guess I’ll be in fashion for once.

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