Let’s face it: nobody likes birds. This goes double for any salt-of-the-earth farmer maintaining their autumn kale crop or repurposed urban xeriscape. Unfortunately our current scarecrow technology has yet to advance past the wasteful hay usage long established in the 1900s, and I for one think it’s time we change that.
That’s why I came up with a totally waste-free alternative at our farm: simply replacing the hay with the just-as-effective 1000 year-old remains of a disgraced monk unearthed from a prison tomb in the mountains of Kabayan.
Once obtained through back channels and a brief trip to the Philippines, this organic alternative was quick to set up and very effective on account of every bird within a half-mile radius immediately plummeting from the sky. As an added bonus, we found that the new environmentally-friendly stuffing appeared to deter insects from nearby crops after every worm and spider inexplicably swarmed the base of the figure. And for anyone troubled with four-legged pests, it turns out that the scarecrow also made every deer who grazed from the field instantly blind. Huzzah!
Of course, like all things catering to our Mother Earth, there are a few comfort sacrifices in using an organic mummy alternative — in the same way a natural mosquito repellent might be less effective than nature-punting insecticides. For example, while the mummy scarecrow works great as a small-footprint deterrent for birds and animals, it would be irresponsible for us to omit that it also caused the majority of the crop to bleed human blood when harvested. Also, upon erecting the mummy, every child in the neighboring town immediately became catatonic and ashen in complexion, leading us to believe that this solution might be best for couples exclusively parenting fur babies. In fact, for anyone who wants to hear their adorable cat speak in tongues at exactly midnight every evening, this scarecrow is absolutely for you!
Just for legality sake, we’re also obligated to relay the following side-effects:
- Waking up crying
- Phantom tickling
- Loss of hair/fingernails
- Sudden feelings of macabre dread
- Scarab clouds
- Suicide by impalement
- Dirt mouth
- Blood dreams
- A constant guttural humming sound that never leaves your side for the rest of your life
We get it: some of these symptoms might not be your particular cup of bone broth — but you may find others surprisingly convenient. For example, while I first found it unsettling that my mummy scarecrow was gradually moving closer and closer to me every day, this also made it easier to cover a larger radius of crops without having to physically move the figure.
So what are you waiting for? The earth isn’t getting any cleaner — and doing your part is as simple as traveling to one of the many countries containing mummies and conducting a nighttime excavation. But if you really want to go maximum conservation, you can always consider making your own mummies for scarecrow stuffing — a process anyone can do with a friend, one bludgeoning tool, cotton strips, and about 600 years.