Travel Guide: A Creepy Chocolate Factory For Which You’ve Won A Tour
So, you’re going on a tour of a chocolate factory that operates under a suspicious veil of secrecy. The only way you were able to visit the headquarters of this eccentric candy operation was by finding a golden-colored “ticket” in one of the company’s flagship chocolate bars. It’s a prospect so spectacular that it just may cure one of your many invalid grandparents that all sleep in the same bed.
Here are some things to keep in mind both before and during that mind-bending chocolate factory tour.
Just The Ticket!
A lot of people are going to want your golden ticket, and they’ll do whatever they can to get it. First things first: long before the scheduled creepy chocolate factory tour, hire an attorney. They’ll get that ticket notarized, certified, and whisked away to a secure location. A good lawyer will have an armored car deliver it to you the morning of the tour. A great lawyer will get that thing laminated, secured inside of a sold gold lanyard, and put it on a chain so you can wear it around your neck like a pimp cup.
A Word On Your Host
Your guide isn’t like other tour leaders, who are either listless teenagers or failed actors. No, leading the creepy chocolate factory tour is the creepy chocolate factory’s founder and CEO. And he is an alarming and obviously unhinged individual. Prone to mood swings, faking injuries, speaking in verse, and casually ruthless behavior, he’s an example of “the banality of evil” in action. That lawyer you hired to keep your ticket safe? You might want to bring them along on the tour, rather than your barely ambulatory grandparent. A lawyer can vouch for your whereabouts and innocence in any probable future depositions regarding the host’s activities on the day of the tour.
Know Your Enemies
Your tour is not a private tour. Despite the grandeur of your surroundings, it’s not all that different from any other factory tour or touristy event, in that you’re going to be stuck with a group of awful strangers. It’s just like the Jungle Cruise at Disneyland, only it’s run by a non-frozen cult-leader-like boss. Pay no attention to the others, because besides you, only terrible people go on this tour. We’re talking the worst of the worst, the real dregs of society, like children who like television, and children who chew gum.
Do Not Drink From The Chocolate River…
Once you pass through the gates and enter the main building, you’ll experience the main production area. Probably the most notable feature of this room is the Chocolate River. It may seem delectably choco-tastic, but don’t sample it. It’s actually comprised primarily of the feces of the plant’s employees, who don’t get bathroom breaks. Since they don’t get meal breaks either, they just eat chocolate products off the line. So at least the poop in the Chocolate River used to be chocolate.
Know The Locals
All the grunt work of making chocolate is performed by those dozens of small, orange-skinned, green-haired people clad in what’s apparently the company uniform, lederhosen. These employees are overworked, abused and brainwashed, kidnapped from another land and forced to work for an insane industrialist. Their only respite from their life of horrific, unending labor is breaking into song to taunt tour guests. Ignore their ominous teasing, but try to take a picture for when you report all this to Amnesty International.
You’re Probably Gonna Die
Your creepy chocolate factory tour carries a strange caveat. One of the guests wins a lifetime supply of chocolate and ownership of the factory. It’s not a random drawing with one-in-five odds, though. Instead, the chocolate factory leader (and tour guide) is as easily irritated as a medieval warlord. If he doesn’t like a tour guest, or finds one of their quirks annoying, he’ll make them disappear. Keep your head down, don’t be an ugly American, and kowtow constantly. Stay alive, and win that prize!
Seriously, Bring Your Lawyer
But, say you’re the one person on the tour who evades murder. That means the chocolate factory is yours! This situation will be a lot easier with a lawyer, who can help you fill out what’s going to be a lot of paperwork. They can also scour all those forms and releases to make sure that the chocolate factory boss isn’t also signing over culpability for murder and slaveholding.
Don’t Be A Fool
A ghoulish man will try to get you to reveal tour secrets in exchange for a single Everlasting Gobstopper. Your lawyer, if present, would advise you against this. Also, it’s a trap — that man works for the chocolate factory. Secondly, Everlasting Gobstoppers are terrible, and that guy only wants to give you one?
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