Carbon-Neutralize Your Baby’s Circumcision

Your baby’s circumcision is a magical time for you and your family. But it’s not just a big step forward for your infant son’s babydick; it’s also an opportunity to flaunt your own figurative babydick to your community! But here’s the rub: In your rush to have a fabulously upscale brit milah, it’s easy to go a little overboard on carbon emissions. Which is sad! (Especially because you already publicly and smugly declared your plan to achieve net-zero greenhouse gas emissions by 2030 at the most recent neighborhood garden party). So read on for everything you need to know to keep your bris both festive and sustainable as you learn how to carbon-neutralize your baby’s circumcision.

WHERE

A traditional bris is held in your home or synagogue. BO-RING! You want to choose a high-end venue that markets itself as eco-conscious (and, if possible, vaguely Native American-y). Basically, your baby’s bris is happening at the Ventana Resort in Big Sur or GTFO.

WHEN

Traditionally, a bris is held as part of the morning prayer on the baby’s eighth day of life. But that absolutely won’t do for this. It’s 2019. Your child’s bris is on Saturday night, ideally on a holiday weekend. And while it’s virtually unheard of for a bris to take longer than fifteen minutes, consider the benefits of filling the full three-day weekend with afternoons of tree-planting, or just, like, a nature walk or something.

BRING THE KIDS?

Children are both welcome and encouraged at a typical circumcision ceremony. Just make sure the babydick piñatas are 100% compostable.

THE PROCEDURE

First, the mohel (the person trained to conduct the circumcision) cuts off your baby’s foreskin with a knife. Then he folds back the mucous membrane to expose the glans, and then sucks off the excess blood with his own personal mouth. This is already a 100 percent net-zero carbon emissions process. It can’t be improved upon. There is no way to further carbon-neutralize your baby’s circumcision at this particular point. However, you may want to make sure the mohel’s birth chart compliment’s your baby’s Zodiac sign (not for eco-friendly purposes, but because it just makes good sense).

FOOD

After your baby’s dick gets snipped, you’ll likely be famished. Just make sure there are absolutely no plastic utensils and that all disposable food-wares are biodegradable. All food options should be derived from sustainable food sources, and anything farm-to-table is a major bonus. This is also perhaps the one time in life when food shaped like teeny, tiny, baby dicks is not only acceptable, but encouraged.

WAIT UP. SHOULD I EVEN CIRCUMCISE MY BABY THOUGH?

This is a tough one. Sure, it seems like a weird, archaic thing to do. And, granted, the medical science is totally inconclusive. And okay, fine, the idea that “a son’s penis should look like his father’s” fails to account for the fact that my penis is significantly larger than most newborn’s. But it’s tradition, and again, you already bragged about it at that garden party. 

Mazel tov!

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