Uh-Oh…CM Punk Got Seth Rollins As His Double Kayfabe Super Secret Santa
Little known fact about the voice of the voiceless, CM Punk: He’s fantastic at gift giving! Whether it was the bed of edible roses he gifted his wife AJ Lee a few years ago, or the case of ICO Pro he copped for his buddy Samoa Joe, Punk always comes through with “Best in the World” level presents. And our investigative journalists here at Wrabbit Wrestling discovered that Punk has a very special secret Santa this year. Actually, it’s Punk’s Double Kayfabe Super Secret Santa, and his name is Seth Rollins.
For those of you who don’t know, a Double Kayfabe Super Secret Santa is basically regular Secret Santa, except you go to insane, theatrical lengths to ensure no one’s ever quite sure if it’s you or not (but they’ll spend a lot of time debating it). And also when you pull someone’s name out of a hat, you immediately trade with the person to your left. It’s a whole thing. We also found the below list of presents Punk is considering getting to help Seth BURN IT DOWN this holiday season!
Let your soul glow to perfection. That’s what the commercial says at least. This gift has nothing to do with aesthetics though (Seth is a handsome man). From a functional perspective, this is the gift that keeps on giving. Not only will Soul Glow keep Seth’s hair extra shiny through the most grueling of matches, it’ll also allow him to easily remove his head from his butthole if the holidays allow for a spell of introspection.
Word on the street is Seth has had a “headache” ever since Punk emasculated him on WWE Backstage. So this would probably help with Seth’s love life with Becky way more than the abdominal stretch therapy Pat Patterson recommended.
[irp] Seth’s finishing move really hasn’t done the trick lately, so sometimes an athlete has to go back to basics. Punk’s looking into finding the very first curb that Seth ever stomped in Davenport, Iowa to maybe help spark some of that old Shield magic in Seth’s boots.
You know how Galactus gives some of the Power Cosmic to his heralds, like Silver Surfer, so they can help him find planets to eat? That’s how this present would work. Hopefully a little bit of Punk’s cult of personality will rub off after one GTS from Punk’s knee to Seth’s dome.
Vince (and Seth) can only hope.