Get In My Sensory Deprivation Egg And Emerge As The Gobbledy Gooker

Are you stressed? Having problems sleeping? Need an extra boost in creativity? Step this way and let me introduce you to the Great Orb for Balance in Life or the GOB-L as we call it. Your GOB-L experience will have you floating in an Epsom salt water solution tailored to your specific stress needs. The GOB-L is placed on a plinth, in the middle of an arena so you can invite your closest friends, family, and enemies to arrive just as you’re taking your first steps as the totally transformed new you.

Our Treatment Options:

Our “Stressfree, baby” treatment blends the highest quality Epsom salt with a half cup of crushed Xanax so you can absorb the peace you’re chasing transdermally. The “Free-ah From Insomnee-ah” therapy session is a cocktail of lavender scented bath salts in a tank with 50/50 distilled water/distilled whiskey. Here for the “Induced Cre8ive-Boost”? We’ll toss in a hand-crafted bath bomb that WOULD show you all the colors in the rainbow (even indigo!) if the tank weren’t pitch black. Don’t worry, by the end of your session you’ll be able to smell each color and its specific intensity.

What To Expect:

Your GOB-L experience could take up to four weightless hours as your mind works through the intricacies of your specific place on earth. You’ll feel your cells start to break down and reform around the 90-minute mark, trust me it’s totally … fine. The only sensation you will be aware of is your feath- erm … hair gently brushing your body as you have a deep think on the problems that are plaguing your subconscious.

We’ll signal that the tank is about to empty with warm golden light and soft sounds of birds making bird noises. You’ll have five minutes to rinse the salt water from your newly formed feather-y-soft body. If you choose to gobble along with the bird noises, well, that’s perfectly acceptable.

via GIPHY

Take your first wobbly steps out of the tank and ignore the thundering boos of your haters. They’re just jealous of your newly formed snood, that outside appendix hanging down over your beak. Come down the ramp and dance with your specially chosen hypeman. Strut and cartwheel around the ring as everyone cheers for you and your transformation into the most relaxed turkey the world has ever seen.

Cage Side Seats, Other Photos Courtesy of WWE Network