The Battle Of The Joes
It was pandemonium last night during Detroit’s first-ever “Battle Of The Joes.” A capacity crowd filled the Joe Louis Arena in anticipation of an epic clash between WWE’s Samoa Joe and the outspoken ultimate fighting enthusiast/podcasting black belt, Joe Rogan.
Suffice it to say, the audience got more than they bargained for when, prior to this clash of the titans, none other than former vice president Joe Biden himself hopped the security barrier. He slowly approached ring announcer JoJo from behind and gave her a long, heartfelt back-hug.
“My God, Joe Biden just hit his finisher and the match hasn’t even started! Somebody ring the damned bell!” said special-guest commentator Judge Joe Brown.
Being a man of action, Judge Joe took matters into his own hands. He banged the ring bell with his gavel, and the distraction proved disastrous for Biden, as a masked man snuck into the ring and hit the former veep with a vicious spear from behind. It sent him out of the ring, into the crowd, and right onto the lap of longtime wrestling fan Joe(y) Lawrence (yes, he said ‘whoa’).
Meanwhile, back in the ring, the masked man revealed himself to be none other than NFL Hall-Of-Famer Joe Montana. To no one’s surprise, Montana used this opportunity to declare his intention to run for president in 2020, as well as assert his dominance as the “best of the Joes.”
“Now that’s how you kick off a campaign,” said Joe Rogan as he walked down the aisle with his most vicious weapon: The microphone.
As Rogan tried to convince Montana to join him on his podcast (and then subsequently tried to explain to Montana exactly what a podcast is) the lights in the arena cut out.
Just as Judge Joe’s lecture to the crowd on the consequences of failing to pay your electric bill on time reached a crescendo, the lights came back on and a guy in what looked like a knock-off Jedi Robe was standing in the middle of the ring with Rogan. (We’re still waiting for an update on Montana’s exact whereabouts).
The crowd began chanting, “Who are ya? Who are ya?” And—without a microphone—the man bellowed, “Behold! I am Joe … from The Bible!”
After approximately 31 minutes of condescending questions and theories, Rogan debunked all religion. He even went so far as to imply that Joe from The Bible was “hackier than Carlos Mencia” and that his “family’s whole deal” was a straight rip-off of Greek mythology. That’s when Joe from The Bible snapped, “Fuck Zeus, and fuck you, Rogan!” He then pulled out an old-school brick cell phone, looking for a signal all over the arena.
Before Rogan could reply, The Submission Machine’s music began blasting over the loud speakers. Samoa Joe approached the ring (and made a point to single out Bazooka Joe, who was sitting ringside, flicking him in the face with his towel and stealing his cache of bubble gum).
“Samoa Joe just popped out Bazooka Joe’s other eye, now that’s horror!” said special guest commentator Joe Bob Briggs. “That’s assault!” replied Judge Joe.
As Samoa Joe approached Rogan, the pompous podcaster exited the ring, insisting that Samoa Joe would regret ever refusing to be on his podcast. Rogan then declared that to get to him, Samoa Joe must go through all the other Joes on his potential guest list.
A parade of Joes surrounded the ring, with a ready and willing Samoa Joe fully prepared for carnage. Joe Pesci was the first to make a move, armed with a number two pencil and an Academy Award (those things are heavy). But Samoa Joe wrapped him up like a pretzel. Joe Piscopo winked at Rogan as he attempted a roundhouse kick, but tore his tater tots in the process. Jo(eseph) Gordon-Levitt, in a full-on 1970s Robin costume, went for a springboard drop kick, but Samoa Joe swatted him out of the sky like a fly. Joe(y) Fatone and Fat Joe fell victim to a double gut buster after a failed double Sloppy Joe.
As Samoa Joe approached Rogan to finally get down to business, a look of fear came over both their faces as a hand emerged from below, ripping open the mat, and grabbing hold of Samoa Joe’s ankle.
“What type of animal would do such a thing?” asked Judge Joe. The creature then screamed, “I am not an animal!”
“That’s not an animal, Judge,” said Joe Bob Briggs in disbelief. “That’s Joe Merrick—the Elephant Man!”
Samoa Joe clung to the mat as he got pulled into the depths of the under-ring. Joe Rogan, thinking he was the last Joe standing, began a diatribe about infinity and how, while the events of the evening were highly unlikely, they were still inevitable. However, at that very moment, the ’80s brick phone exploded onto the back of Rogan’s head, and Joe from the Bible stood tall over the podcaster’s lifeless body.
Joe Black appeared and carried Rogan out of the arena (it took around an hour) as Joe from the Bible crowed to the audience about how all it takes is one phone call to “his peeps upstairs” to make a miracle happen.
Too bad he didn’t notice Joe Merrick behind him, running at full speed, leading with his bulbous head.
“Nobody gets up from the Elephant Butt,” said Joe Bob, as Merrick stood proud and tall in the center of the ring—officially the best of the Joes. “Case closed,” said Judge Joe.