Stop Body Shaming And Accept Yourself As You Are, Unless You’re James

You’ve probably noticed this wonderful grassroots movement that’s developed over the last few years called “body positivity.” It encourages people to reject the Western “standard of beauty”—or, well, any standard of beauty—and to find strength and happiness by accepting themselves the way they are.  No more “body shaming” oneself or others for supposedly being the wrong weight, the wrong height, or having a face that doesn’t look like a movie star’s. Who cares? Adherents to this lovely and progressive way of life say that you’re, well, you, and you, my friend, shouldn’t change a thing, because you are already gorgeous! But not James.

I know this guy named James, right? He is just ridiculously and horrendously ugly. Sorry, but there’s just no other way to say it. His entire physical being is grotesque, and he should feel bad about how ugly he is (particularly his ugly face). I don’t even know how he leaves the house, because he shouldn’t.

Guess What? You’re Beautiful! (This Applies to Everyone But James)

I guess what I’m trying to say is that in the real world, “beautiful” can apply to anything or anybody. There are all kinds of people out there of many shapes and sizes, and these things we call “flaws” are actually what make us unique.

But James has so many flaws I don’t even know where to start. Okay, well, his nose is weird, his forehead is too big, and his face is doughy but also droopy? How did he manage that? And natural ugliness is one thing, but there are things James could to to make himself more presentable, like trim his unibrow or clean his ears. But while those things may marginally help, nobody is ever going to think that James isn’t utterly disgusting.

You know who’s actually flawless? Models and actors on magazine covers. But that’s only because all of their flaws have been airbrushed and photoshopped out. And that’s after they’ve had who knows how many cosmetic surgeries to make sure they stay as young-looking and conventionally attractive for as long as possible.

I’m thinking about leaving some plastic surgery brochures around for James to find. It’s surprisingly affordable. A face lift and a nose job are in order, of course, and if there’s something they can do so his eyes aren’t so close together, that would be great. Liposuction is a must. Oh, and hair plugs, too. Did I mention that James is balding? It makes him look like an idiot.

Body Acceptance is Loving Yourself (Which Is Impossible for James)

Tomorrow morning, when you wake up, I want you to stand in front of a mirror, naked and vulnerable, and tell yourself that you love yourself, just the way you are. Give yourself a huge smile and just accept yourself.

I just imagined James doing this exercise, and frankly, the thought of James naked made me dry heave. Then I thought about James smiling, and I thought of how stupid he looks when he smiles. His teeth are crooked and yellow, and if he saw himself smile, he’d probably throw up in his mouth, which is what I did when I pictured him smiling.

But hey, at the end of the day, this “body positive” movement is just about trying to get people to be comfortable in their own skin. This is the body you’ve got, and darn it, you should flaunt it and be happy in it.

Speaking of skin, James’s skin is covered in these weird, discolored patches. So many scabs and open sores, too. Not to mention the moles, skin tags, and untreated acne on top of scarring from previously untreated acne. It’s all just so revolting.

Where Real Beauty Lives (Hint: It’s Nowhere Near James)

But on the other hand, isn’t it a little superficial to be this hung up on the physicality of people? Honestly, what truly makes a person beautiful are their thoughts and feelings. Real beauty, you see, is on the inside.

But not for James. He’s just as ugly on the inside as he is on the outside. His political views are repugnant, and you should hear the things he says about immigrants. One time, I was at his apartment (his roommate is a dear friend) and I had to use his computer for a second. I could not fathom both the amount and severity of pornography on there, and on like 30 open browser tabs. I was visibly horrified. He said to me “Nice, right?”

No, James, it is not nice. James is not nice. James is an abomination against all that is beautiful in the universe, and he needs to accept the fact that he needs to change every single thing about himself as quickly as possible, some way, somehow.

Except for his height. James is tall, and we can all agree that being tall is the best.

Images: Pixabay, Pixabay, Pixabay, Pixabay