Craft The Perfect School Lunch To Make The Other Children Ashamed Of Their Own Mothers

July 19, 2018 by , featured in Food and Recipes
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A lovingly crafted school lunch serves an important function in your child’s life, sending the message to the rest of the children that their mothers are inferior to you. Do you want to send your precious baby to school in a sparkling Tesla with fresh gourmet entrees or a filthy Yaris full of processed meat cubes? The packed lunch is the sports car of your child’s social fabric, so here’s how to prepare a lunchbox with a net worth greater than that of the entire school district’s budget.

Start your child’s lunch with a strong base: cheese on crackers. For maximum impact, choose a rare cheese like Balkan donkey cheese, aged over a century. Not just any Balkan donkey cheese but that which came from the teat of the famed ass named Marguerite Vanderbilt (1880-1920), who was hand-raised by Consuelo Vanderbilt and fed a diet of orchid clippings, black truffles, and cocaine. This cheese cannot be bought with money, and must instead be bartered for with stolen paintings. It’s worth every priceless Manet, as the odor of the cheese smells like a salty summer cruise on internationally contested waters, defended by your own private armada.

How To Craft The Perfect School Lunch To Make The Other Children Ashamed Of Their Own Mothers

For the main course, you’ll want a classier take on the peasant’s “peanut butter and jelly.” One such creation is the kopi luwak puree and fruit jelly caviar sandwich, valued at about $200 per ounce. Kopi luwak beans are semi-digested coffee cherries that are hand picked from the excrement of Asian palm civet cat by the skilled hands of unpaid laborers. These add a nutty, mammalian bouquet to the sandwich.

Fruit jelly caviar is created by the molecular gastronomy technique of turning jelly into small balls through a process called spherification. Can the underprivileged mothers of your school do that? Turn their jelly into tiny orbs? Just imagine your child’s peers going to their sham of a home, crying to their parents “Why is our jelly in boring, spreadable form? Are we poor?” Do not feel pity for these pathetic sandwich rubes. There is only room for one queen of sandwiches. Remember to cut the sandwiches into fun shapes or you don’t deserve to have children.

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How To Craft The Perfect School Lunch To Make The Other Children Ashamed Of Their Own Mothers

No child’s lunch is complete without chicken nuggets, but for your precious one, you’ll want golden chicken nugget Wellington. Kobe chicken is covered in a thin layer of freshly minted $100 bills, then breaded in 24-carat gold crumbs. The nuggets can come in fun, cognitively challenging shapes like “famous poets who committed suicide” and “countries our family owns.”

Fruit roll-ups are a classic treat that every kid loves, but the store-bought kind is made of high fructose corn syrup and recycled retainers. To make a fruit roll-up worthy of your child’s precious taste buds, take a decent red wine you have lying around, have your cook mix the wine with a cup of sugar in a saucepan, and simmer on low for five hours or until it congeals to form a syrup. Pour the syrup onto a sheet of parchment paper and place into your dehydrator for several hours. Most of the alcohol will have burned off in the simmering process, leaving only a bit of a kick to cultivate your child’s taste for wine, but don’t forget to also pack milk made from lactating whales!

How To Craft The Perfect School Lunch To Make The Other Children Ashamed Of Their Own Mothers

This winning lunch will show all the other moms that you are the best, most doting, ultimately blessed mother. Your child’s lunch could pay for another child’s college tuition, meaning that you are objectively the best mom and can afford a lawyer to sue anyone who dares to hold a coffee cup claiming otherwise.


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  1. I love kopi luwak puree and fruit jelly caviar sandwiches! But they keep my kids up for days and the caffeine doesn’t mix well with their Xanax.

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