Just when you thought the only thing wrong with women was their hips, hair, eyes, neck, stomach, butt, back, and tongue, a new and exciting thing for women to hate about themselves has emerged! That’s right, the hot new trend in fixing things on your body that weren’t broke in the first place is designer nipples!
Women are apparently flocking to plastic surgeons to acquire the nipples of their dreams so they can show them off in sheer tops. What do dream nipples look like? A lot like Kendall Jenner’s or Bella Hadid’s according to plastic surgeons.
Why spend thousands of dollars on plastic surgery to make your nipples the Gucci branded glass cutters of your dreams when you could do it yourself right at home? No plastic surgery necessary. Just grab your crafting supplies and your nipples and we’re ready to go!
Extra Pointy Nipples
There are lots of things that can make your nipples not Kendall Jenner enough, but the main culprit is not being constantly erect. Yes, the ideal nipple will make you look like you’re smuggling frozen peas out of a grocery store 24/7. The simple nipple enhancer answer of your dreams is pencil shavings and super glue. Just slather the glue gently around your areola and sprinkle the pencil shavings on top for a nice, natural, landscape that will have people asking if you’re cold all night long.
Did you know 75% of women have asymmetrical nipples? Asymmetry in the body is perfectly normal, but you can still hate it, feel shame, and have a trained medical professional cut it off you if necessary. Or, you could use this one simple trick to make your nipples look more symmetrical! All you need is some masking tape and colored markers. Surround your asymmetrical nipple with the masking tape. If you’re having trouble evening them out try surround both nipples with tape for a perfectly symmetrical experience. Then use the marker to get the masking tape as close to your skin tone as possible. BOOM! Your tater tots are so similar, you won’t remember which one you named Mary-Kate and which one is Ashley.
Nipples Too Small
What we’re really looking for with designer nipples is maximum visibility. Gone are the days of the dainty Victorian nipples we once loved. We want robust nipples now. We want thick voluminous nipples that over flow our bras and spill out into the world. If you’re still rocking the feeble milk missiles you were born with, don’t worry. There are plenty of cured meats that can give you the hearty nipples society now dictates you must possess.
Almost any circular cured meat will do. I personally prefer a nice prosciutto or pancetta. While pepperoni nipples is a common colloquialism I don’t recommend using pepperonis for this purpose as very few people have nipples that are bright red. If you do please see a doctor. However, a pepperoni-sized nipple is about the correct diameter we’re looking for.
You can apply the prosthetic meat nipples over your nipple with glue, tape, staples, or any binder you have handy. If you don’t like to waste food, several companies do produce edible glue usually used to make bakery treats. I prefer to use the edible glue so that at the end of the night I always know that I have a nice snack on me…literally! Why pay for new nipples when you could have fun removable nips that you can pull out of your shirt and eat after a long night of clubbing. DIY really is the only way to go.