Feng Shui Tips So Good You’ll Definitely Fuck Your Couch
In a world full of constant and seemingly never-ending stressors, downtime is critical—and there are few things better than coming home to a peaceful and serene home space. But what if we told you that your luxurious designer living room couch might be harming your chi instead of revitalizing it? Don’t panic. This official Bunny Ears guide will help you feng shui your living room so good that you’ll literally want to fuck your couch.
1. Use The Five Elements To Make Your Couch More Fuckable
The first thing you want to do is get a couch so sexy you’d want to make love to it all night long. Going by the principle of the Five Elements, you want fire, baby! Red, hot, deliciously dangerous fire. No one in the history of the world ever has looked at a red couch and said, “Yes, I will lie down on this fiery couch and take a long, sexless nap.” No, red couches were made to be humped.
Also consider positioning your sofa so that it faces a large window with a spectacular view. That way you can tap ‘dat couch while watching a burning sunset.
2. Surround Your Super Hot Couch With The Right Energy
As much as you want to keep the fire in your couch-shtupping relationship, it’s important to create a balance of energies as not to disturb the chi of your living room. Water calms fire, and mirrors are classic water ornaments within the practice of feng shui. By adorning your walls with mirrors, you’ll be able to admire yourself while banging one of your exquisitely plush cushions.
If your fire element isn’t too overpowering, you can also consider placing a succulent in a strategic position at one end of your couch for a more tactile boning experience. Be careful, though. Plants are wood elements and can easily clash with fire—meaning your couch sex can get toxic fast.
3. Consult Your Bagua Energy Map To Determine Which Part Of Your Life You Want To Bang
The Bagua map is an energy map that tells you where each part of your life is “situated” within your living space. You can see, for instance, that the north part of your space is connected to the flow of career energy in your life.
Use this map to determine which part of your life you want to fuck in. Need to inject some juice into your money life? Southeast is the spot for your couch. Creativity a bit dry? Hump away on the west side. The key to a happily balanced life is to make sure you’re pumping and bumping your energy where it’s needed most.
4. Don’t Overdo It
Just to be clear, we don’t mean the feng shui. We mean the couch fucking. Because chafing is no joke.