Let Go Of Toxic Relationships: Ignore The Homeless Kittens In Your Shed
We all want to be our best selves, but have you considered the spiritual weight you carry on your shoulders that may be holding you down? Specifically, the burdensome weight of toxic relationships that sap your time, money, and essence, forever taking from you while giving nothing in return. As we probe the depths of self-care, we find these types of relationships frequently hold us back from living our best life, which is why it’s essential that you ignore that litter of homeless kittens in your shed.
Of course, we understand your nurturing instinct. When that scrawny but heavily pregnant tabby appeared in your shed on that chilly, foggy evening, it’s only natural that you wanted to make sure she had enough food and water to get her through the night. Alas, your Biblical kindness was repaid in the form of six tiny, cheeping critters who you did not invite and who that freeloading mama tabby did not RSVP.
It doesn’t matter that they’re cute. It doesn’t even matter that they’re blind right now. Takers are notorious for using their problems, like being too feeble and weak to see just yet, to get more out of you. You need to stop and ask yourself how you benefit from taking care of those helpless baby kittens. What monetary or educational gain are you going to receive from six scrawny, floppy beanbags who are shitting some very uncute poops all over your shed as we speak? Are they going to be there when you have diarrhea and need help to the bathroom? No. You know damn well that they would wait until you crawled down the hallway and then steal your feverish-warm spot in bed.
“Society” is going to tell you that you should take care of those darling, mewling baby kittens in your shed, especially the extra-fuzzy white one with soft brown ears, but that’s because society always wants to take advantage of kind people. After all, if you become a one-person kitten charity, that means society doesn’t have to take steps to fix the world so there aren’t hungry kittens. That’s why you really, really need to stop listening to their tiny, mewling cries of hunger. By helping one kitten, you’re really hurting yourself.
You may think you’re helping that hungry mother cat who can’t hunt while tending to newborns, but you aren’t. When was the last time that cat—who, remember, is a fully grown adult who chose to get pregnant—bought you a birthday present? Or listened to you talk about your problems? Relationships, even those with animals, need to be about equal give and take. If you’re letting a starving, homeless cat with six babies just take and take, you’re only encouraging her.
We can tell you’re ignoring our advice as you browse through catnip mice options. Listen, we are trying to save you from years of toxic relationships, enduring indignities you cannot properly imagine. Would a real friend require you to provide a box of sand to shit in? Would they then ask you to clean it? Would they cover every single black t-shirt you will ever own in their hair? By sitting on them?
Obviously, this is a hard lesson you’re just going to have to learn for yourself. By refusing to rightly ignore those darling little succubi in the shed, you’re really bringing the consequences on yourself. If you would only properly drown that overwhelming surge of empathy as you should mercifully drown the little grey and tiger-striped runt of the litter, your life would get a lot easier. It’s so disappointing to see people with potential choose to maintain toxic relationships, especially ones that potentially involve toxoplasmosis.
Katie Goldin’s Golden Rules
Weekly comics from the mind of Bunny Ears writer Katie Goldin. They're weird, they're funny, and they're always so pretty! The Goldin Rules…