Let Go Of Toxic Relationships: Ignore The Homeless Kittens In Your Shed

December 17, 2018 by
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We all want to be our best selves, but have you considered the spiritual weight you carry on your shoulders that may be holding you down? Specifically, the burdensome weight of toxic relationships that sap your time, money, and essence, forever taking from you while giving nothing in return. As we probe the depths of self-care, we find these types of relationships frequently hold us back from living our best life, which is why it’s essential that you ignore that litter of homeless kittens in your shed.

kittens

Of course, we understand your nurturing instinct. When that scrawny but heavily pregnant tabby appeared in your shed on that chilly, foggy evening, it’s only natural that you wanted to make sure she had enough food and water to get her through the night. Alas, your Biblical kindness was repaid in the form of six tiny, cheeping critters who you did not invite and who that freeloading mama tabby did not RSVP.

It doesn’t matter that they’re cute. It doesn’t even matter that they’re blind right now. Takers are notorious for using their problems, like being too feeble and weak to see just yet, to get more out of you. You need to stop and ask yourself how you benefit from taking care of those helpless baby kittens. What monetary or educational gain are you going to receive from six scrawny, floppy beanbags who are shitting some very uncute poops all over your shed as we speak? Are they going to be there when you have diarrhea and need help to the bathroom? No. You know damn well that they would wait until you crawled down the hallway and then steal your feverish-warm spot in bed.

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“Society” is going to tell you that you should take care of those darling, mewling baby kittens in your shed, especially the extra-fuzzy white one with soft brown ears, but that’s because society always wants to take advantage of kind people. After all, if you become a one-person kitten charity, that means society doesn’t have to take steps to fix the world so there aren’t hungry kittens. That’s why you really, really need to stop listening to their tiny, mewling cries of hunger. By helping one kitten, you’re really hurting yourself.

You may think you’re helping that hungry mother cat who can’t hunt while tending to newborns, but you aren’t. When was the last time that cat—who, remember, is a fully grown adult who chose to get pregnant—bought you a birthday present? Or listened to you talk about your problems? Relationships, even those with animals, need to be about equal give and take. If you’re letting a starving, homeless cat with six babies just take and take, you’re only encouraging her.

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kittens

We can tell you’re ignoring our advice as you browse through catnip mice options. Listen, we are trying to save you from years of toxic relationships, enduring indignities you cannot properly imagine. Would a real friend require you to provide a box of sand to shit in? Would they then ask you to clean it? Would they cover every single black t-shirt you will ever own in their hair? By sitting on them?

Obviously, this is a hard lesson you’re just going to have to learn for yourself. By refusing to rightly ignore those darling little succubi in the shed, you’re really bringing the consequences on yourself. If you would only properly drown that overwhelming surge of empathy as you should mercifully drown the little grey and tiger-striped runt of the litter, your life would get a lot easier. It’s so disappointing to see people with potential choose to maintain toxic relationships, especially ones that potentially involve toxoplasmosis.

Images: PexelsPixabayPixabayPixabay


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  1. Craig, the Intern

14 Comments

  1. The one on toxic relationships was funny but true. I’m 69 years old and I have shed myself of those relationships along with all the dust collectors, cloths I’ll never fit back into and what a relief it is, but I think I’d like ONE of those little weaklings to crawl back in my life.

  2. It’s too bad that millennials are so stupid they will not see the truth of this post: stop enabling the freeloading jerks of our society! Instead they will take it literally and claim you are a kitten hater. 🙁

  3. Maybe you should just give that ” scrawny” homeless momma with the tiny babies a chance. . Give her love, food, protection if you can and you could have a friend for life. If you can afford it, get momma fixed and she will be grateful for life and no longer be scrawny.

  4. You have to be the most self important stuff serving, selfish people I’ve ever been unfortunate enough to come across. I do hope when/if you need help.. There’s no one there. Foul thing you are…

  5. What a cruel and heartless person would be like this. Those people better hope that when their in their golden years, and need help to get around that people don’t feel that way about them. Then they’ll know what it feels like when people turn their backs in their time in need.

  6. I don’t think you’re very funny I don’t think you have any writing Talent I think you are horribly self-absorbed not really attractive even b**** how can you say that about those little kittens in the shed the emotions oh my god I’ve never heard anything so bad I’m going to publish this to my 1500 + friends on Facebook you’re just a b**** your karma is going to come one day your karma is going to come you’re going to be laying hurt nobody is going to help you probably if you want to be funny but you comedian don’t take it out on little kittens that can help themselves and that were abandoned by their mother these little kittens are God’s creatures and he expects us to care for them you would probably leave a screaming newborn baby in a shed and keep walking your pretty terrible I think you should keep your opinions to yourself people get a lot of Joy from the six little kittens seeing them get homes and enjoying the love that the kitty gives back you shouldn’t say those things that people that like animals are weak and stupid you’re pretty awful it’s all I can say about you but now you’re going to be pretty famous cuz this is going to be all over Facebook I hope you have a horrible New Year I hope this is the worst year ever for you you’re cruel

  7. Who the f…. wrote this horrendously lousy artical about ” toxic relationtships”???? Was it a human kind? Very unlikely!

  8. What utter nonsensical, inhumane and heartless bullshit. Blaming the most vulnerable and innocent. Ah, yes conniving and fiendish momma and her kittens plotting to make your pathetic life more miserable. It is a blessed privilege and honor to share your life with a true and pure animal, You my dear are off your fuckin rocker.

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