Mmmm, do you smell that? Sage, onion, a hint of maple syrup. That’s right, I’ve got stuffing in the oven, and I don’t mean the one in my kitchen! For 2018, Bunny Ears is helping women everywhere develop new and fulfilling Thanksgiving ideas. And today, we’ll show you how to rejuvenate your lady innards by full-filling your childmaker with fun plays on traditional turkey stuffing – just like the Pilgrims would’ve if they’d allowed women to touch their own vaginas! We think by next year, everyone will be saying “It’s just not Thanksgiving without mom’s classic stuffed vag!”
No, we don’t mean “cranberry,” although they’re the main component of this vaginal cleanse. We definitely mean Cramberry, because after you’ve simmered your cranberries with sugar, prosecco, and grated orange peel, you’ll be cramming them directly up your magnificent cornucopia! A good pair of granny panties will help hold those suckers in. We don’t want you popping berries out like kittens in the middle of the buffet line. The acidic cleansing power of the berries will give your sheath a thorough holiday scrubbing – goodbye, any lingering DNA left by Doug From That Bar! You’ll emerge from this vaginal stuffing refreshed, slightly tart, and free from urinary tract infections.
Parsley, Sage, Rosemary, and Time
This three herb stuffing helps ward off that unavoidable temptress, Time, by sloughing off dead, wrinkly inner vagina skin. Yes, we KNOW you can’t see if that’s a problem you have, but trust us, you do. Bake a large pan of cornbread using a tablespoon each of parsley, sage, and rosemary. Allow to cool, lightly butter, then shove up your lady tunnel and proceed to rub back and forth, scrubbing the inside well. If this turns you on, hey, no one’s judging you. Expel used herb cornbread by bearing down while engaging in the traditional primal scream, “MY VAGINA IS AS YOUNG AS I BELIEVE IT TO BE.” Who cares if the neighbors overhear you?
The Yammy Yoni
Yams are a traditional Thanksgiving dish, because everyone wants a vegetable that looks like a colon to remind them of where their food is going. Yams are also a powerful aphrodisiac, or at least we hope they are, because we are mad horny after trying this stimulating vagina stuffing. Bake one skin-on yam whole, then gently lubricate and press it fully into your yam-hole. As the carmelized warmth stretches your skin and softens your most tender places, we don’t blame you for thinking “I wish dicks were more yam shaped.” So do we.
BONUS: BENWA BUTTHOLE POTATOES!
While your yam is roasting, toss a few baby potatoes in as well. Carefully, with a partner’s assistance if necessary, pop them one at a time into your back stuffer. Relax, allowing the wrinkly, papery skin to gently chafe your nethers. Just be careful; if the pleasurable sensation causes you to clench, you’ll end up with mashed potatoes in there, and no one wants to clean that up.
Gramma’s Famous Pumpkin Piehole
Thanksgiving in your vagina is never complete without dessert! Begin by making a custard from roasted organic pumpkin, cream, sugar, and spices. Then, lay on your back with your legs in the air and pour the mixture gently up your babymaker. Remain this way for six to seven hours, allowing the alluring spices and creamy consistency to fully absorb. If you need to get up, we recommend a heavy menstrual pad for sloshing protection – but it won’t do a thing to stop how amazing you’ll smell! We promise no one will call you “basic” if you get your pumpkin spice latte blasted up your cooter!