The Hottest New Trend In Wellness: Which Tracheotomy Bar Is Right For You?
We get pretty excited around here when a new health and beauty trend sweeps the nation. It gives us the chance to write off excessive pampering sessions as a work expense. (You’ll never catch us, Uncle Sam!) Our latest obsession might sound a little dangerous at first, but trust us, it’s only very dangerous. This natural successor to coffee colonics and detoxifying IV drips involves pumping oxygen infused with rejuvenating minerals directly into the lungs through a tube inserted through an incision in the windpipe. It’s called Traching, and you can only do it in a handful of exclusive Tracheotomy Bars in the world. Each one puts their own unique spin on the idea of cramming oxygen into a hole in your throat. So we paid a visit to some of the best out there to help you figure out which tracheotomy bar is right for you.
The Cut – Manhattan, New York
There’s no better way to repower your slushy brain than by slicing a hole in your neck to skip the annoying 8 inches between your nose and trachea slowing your intake of rejuvenating oxygen. Nobody understands that better than the skilled technicians, or “cutters,” at Manhattan’s The Cut, where traching was invented when the location transformed from a mob hospital to an upscale health boutique literally overnight when the Gambino crime family needed an emergency money laundering front.
Jack yourself into one of their respirators and you might find yourself sitting next to some of the big stars that frequent this Madison Avenue hot spot. We couldn’t help but snag some selfies with an immobilized Lin Manuel Miranda. They can’t say no when air is bypassing their vocal cords!
Windpipe – Beverly Hills, California
Those terrifying moments gasping for air like a fish flopping on the floor before the trach technician feeds the breathing tube into your lungs are a nice reminder that life is fleeting, so you shouldn’t feel guilty about pampering yourself every now and then.
Windpipe in Beverly Hills takes that one step further by extending that moment of mortal panic as far as ethically allowed (and beyond, if you know how to order off their secret menu *wink*). Their nimble-fingered staff will quickly feed the tube into your lungs mere seconds before the light at the end of the tunnel dims to black. You’ll never feel more alive than when your life is in the hands of an RN drowning in student debt who works for tips.
Tropical Breathes – South Beach, Miami, Florida
Tropical Breathes is the only trach bar in the world to offer a service that will likely become the standard in every bar to come: lung scent infusions. It’s a slightly longer trach session where enriched oxygen is trapped in the lungs for extended periods to allow naturally-scented oxygen to impart its pleasant aroma into the lung meat via osmosis. For months, your breath will unrelentingly smell like your choice of Guava, Mojito, or New Car.
Before you leave, be sure to snack on some Cuban pastries provided by local bakeries. And here’s a neat tip you can only learn from the locals: check for evidence of flaky pastry crust in tracheotomy secretions to avoid respiratory infection!
¡Aireyuda! – Bogota, Colombia
Some of our readers might be more familiar with Colombia as the preferred destination for cheap ethically dubious cosmetic surgery. It’s also the home of one of the finest tracheotomy bars in the world.
¡Aireyuda!, which is a clever portmanteau that combines the Spanish word for “air” with the Spanish word for “help!”, is nestled away in one of the poorest neighborhoods in the urban sprawl of Bogota. After stripping to your underwear to prove that you aren’t wearing a wire, you’ll be whisked away to a basement below a dentist’s office where you can be treated to the technique that put them on the map, the Colombian Necktie. Trach technicians will pull the full length of your tongue from the slit in your neck to give it a flavored shiatsu massage while pumping your lungs with oxygen enriched with volcanic minerals bottled at the highest peaks of the Nevado del Ruiz volcano. Never before has luxury tasted so much like chocolate sauce, latex gloves, and volcanic ash.