5 Endangered Species That I Could Totally Take In A Fight
As a professionally-trained fighter in several martial arts styles, I can tell you the only way to feel truly safe is by being prepared for any possibility. And there’s one threat our society refuses to take seriously: endangered species. They may be at risk of extinction, but they’re also dangerous. These are wild animals who would gladly eat us and our loved ones if given half the chance. So here are five animals that I am fully confident I could defeat in combat, and specifically how I would mess them up. It’s time to feel safe again.
When I approached a sea turtle on a beach, it simply hid inside its shell. No matter how much I provoked or insulted it, nothing made the turtle fight me. Coward. According to MMA rules, refusing to fight is considered a forfeit, so I was victorious.
Fight record: 1-0
The tapir at my local zoo recently gave birth, so it was unavailable for combat. Instead, I fought the next best thing: 18 raccoons. For several weeks I lured and trapped raccoons in my apartment dumpster. Fighting each raccoon individually would have been unfair and against the spirit of my investigation. On the day of the fight I allowed them to swarm me en masse and I absolutely demolished them with a flurry of ju-jitsu strikes. My final round of shots is next week.
Fight record: 2-0
The slow loris may look small and pitiful, but it’s also the only primate with a venomous bite. I decided it was only fair that I should be allowed to use a venomous bite as well. For a week leading up to our match, I soaked my mouthguard in antifreeze. Unfortunately, the night before our fight I swallowed my mouthguard and was hospitalized. Fight postponed.
Fight record: 2-0-1
Taking on an opponent who lives in water is a unique challenge. I decided the best way to defeat a vaquita would be to forego punching and instead rely on grappling. In our fight, I attempted to immobilize my opponent with a Muay Thai clinch. However, after twenty exhausting minutes I realized the vaquita had misinterpreted my attack as a romantic gesture, and it had been making love to me the entire time. If your opponent doesn’t even understand it’s a fight, you win by default. Another victory for me.
Fight record: 3-0-1
There have been numerous documented snowy owl attacks on humans, so I was looking forward to a worthy opponent. Unfortunately, while I was trying to scale the zoo fence and engage the owl, a group of children on a school trip apprehended and subdued me with vicious kicks and slaps. The actions of these three second-graders prove that our nation has no respect for the rules of combat. Therefore, I refuse to share any more tips on endangered animal defense. So, kids, if a snowy owl attacks you, don’t come crying to me.
Fight record: 3-0-2. Undefeated.