You are in a Bed, Bath & Beyond, contemplating which set of towels would complete your guest bathroom and finally bring meaning to your life. You are torn between off-beige, which would match your tainted tap water, and magenta moonrise, which would match your guests’ eyes because you only invite people with magenta coloured eyes into your home. Which set of 47 towels speaks to you more?
[[Off-beige.|2]]
[[Magenta moonrise.|3]]
[[Wait, do I really need 47 guest towels?|4]]
You take the set of 47 off-beige guest towels to the off-beige item checkout counter. While you wait in line, a man steps behind you and comments “Off-beige? More like dumb haze. Those towels aren’t going to bring you spiritual wellness, friend. But I know what will.”
[[Examine the man.|5]]
[[Ask the man what he means.|6]]
[[Lick the man.|7]]
You take the set of 47 magenta guest towels to the magenta item checkout counter. While you wait in line, a man steps behind you and comments “Magenta? More like yousucka. Those towels aren’t going to bring you spiritual wellness, friend. But I know what will.”
[[Examine the man.|5]]
[[Ask the man what he means.|6]]
That depends. Do you want to look civilized, or do you want to look like a spiritual charlatan?
[[Fine, I’ll go with off-beige.|2]]
[[Fine, I’ll go with magenta moonrise.|3]]
He’s a man.
[[Yeah, but like, what does he look like?|8]]
“What are you talking about?” you ask. “Nothing can bring a human being more spiritual fulfillment than a good set of guest towels. I read an unbiased study on the issue in Towel Enthusiast Monthly.”
The man sneers. “Towels are a fluffy lie. Do you think towels are going to fix that problem with your tap water?”
[[“Now that I’ve said ‘Towel Enthusiast Monthly’ out loud I see that you may have a point.”|12]]
[[“I was sort of just hoping that the problem would go away on its own. Wait, how did you know about my tap water?”|13]]
What?
[[Uh… never mind. I’ll just ask him what he means.|6]]
[[You heard me. I said I want to lick the man.|9]]
Wow, body judge much?
[[Fine, I’ll just ask him what he means.|6]]
Do you seriously want to just lick a stranger? You don’t even know where he’s been.
[[Yes. I’m the type of person who, when given the option to lick someone, takes it. I want to put this tongue to use.|10]]
Okay, but like, just because you can it doesn’t mean you should.
[[I suppose you’re right. I should just ask him what he means.|6]]
[[Less talking, more licking.|11]]
You lick the man on his left cheek. It is moist and unsubtle. He is slightly saltier than what you have deemed to be average over your long licking career. You also taste coconut, likely from a shampoo or body butter. You would ask for clarification but the man has, understandably, left in confusion and disgust. You pay for your towels and return home, where you taste nothing but your tainted tap water until it kills you. Days later your body is discovered and the media celebrates the demise of the Bay Street Licker. Let’s try this again.
[[No regrets.|1]]
“Your problem cannot be solved with towels, friend.” The man grabs your elbow, as if trying to convey a sense of great urgency. “It can only be solved with a crystal. You do use healing crystals, don’t you?”
“Of course I use healing crystals,” you reply. “I’m not some fool who thinks that modern medical science has all the answers. But how can a crystal fix my tap water?”
“Friend, I know of a healing crystal so powerful that it would make it safe for you to drink lead.”
“But I don’t want to drink lead,” you say.
The man sighs. “It’s a figure of speech. My point is that this incredible crystal could be yours, yours to own and cherish and heal with. It won’t be easy to acquire, for there are tests you must pass. But if you succeed, you’ll never want for a good crystal again.”
The man’s words inspire you. You drop your towels and, ignoring the complaints of the Bed, Bath & Beyond employee who will have to pick them up, ask the man what needs to be done. He hands you a business card.
“Indigo Age Spiritual Realm and Industrial Dye Conglomerate? I thought they closed after their experimental dye therapy killed all those people,” you say.
The man smiles inscrutably. “Just go to the store and look for the crystal. You’ll know it when you see it.”
The man turns to go, but you call out to him. “Wait! Why are you doing this? And who are you?”
“Oh, just call me Mack.” And, with a wink, he is gone.
You’re not quite sure what to make of what just happened, but you figure there’s no harm in checking out the store. You just need to decide how to get there.
[[I will walk to the store. It’s not too far, and I respect Mother Nature.|20]]
[[I will drive to the store. I should save my strength, just in case there’s an obstacle.|21]]
The man spreads his arms wide. “I know many things, my friend.”
[[“Do you know what the capital of the Republic of the Marshall Islands is?”|14]]
[[“Do you know who pitched for the Cincinnati Reds on Opening Day, 1981?”|15]]
[[“Do you know what the thirty-seventh element on the periodic table is?”|16]]
[[“Do you know who the fourth Secretary General of the United Nations was?”|17]]
[[“Do you know how I can fix my tap water problem?”|12]]
[[“Do you know how many species of owls are known to exist?”|18]]
[[“Do you know my friend, Jeffua?”|19]]
"Yes, the capital of the Republic of the Marshall Islands is Majuro," he says. "It is home to approximately half of the Republic’s 53,000 citizens."
[[“Okay, I am convinced that you know many things. How can I fix my tap water problem?”|12]]
"Yes, Tom Seaver pitched for the Reds and earned a no decision in a three-to-two win," he says.
[[“Okay, I am convinced that you know many things. How can I fix my tap water problem?”|12]]
"Yes, the thirty-seventh element is rubidium. It was discovered in 1861 by German chemists Robert Bunsen and Gustav Kirchhoff," he says.
[[“Okay, I am convinced that you know many things. How can I fix my tap water problem?”|12]]
"Yes, the fourth Secretary General of the United Nations was U Thant. He held the position from 1961 to 1971," he says.
[[“Okay, I am convinced that you know many things. How can I fix my tap water problem?”|12]]
"Yes, two hundred and sixteen species of owl are known to exist. Of these species, eighteen belong to the barn owl family," he says.
[[“Okay, I am convinced that you know many things. How can I fix my tap water problem?”|12]]
"Yes, I know your friend, Jeffua," he says. "His job is to take the slivers of soap that people throw out and combine them into full bars that can be sold as new in soap stores."
[[“Okay, I am convinced that you know many things. How can I fix my tap water problem?”|12]]
You decide to walk to the store. It is, after all, a beautiful day. The sun is shining, birds are singing, and the lion that escaped from the local zoo seems content to wander around without eating anyone (for now). It doesn’t take you long to reach the Wellness District, where you pass by a variety of vegan art supply stores, eleventh hand clothing outlets, kale coffee shops, yoga factories, Zumba bars, almond milk dispensaries, and the tarot card library. You know this area well, and you soon see the boarded up façade of Indigo Age Spiritual Realm and Industrial Dye Conglomerate at the end of the street. Unfortunately, the sidewalk is blocked by a woman wearing blue yoga pants, a red yoga shirt, yellow yoga shoes, tan yoga socks, a green yoga hat, and a purple yoga gun holster. The holster is occupied.
“Well, well, well. Well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well. Remember me? Well, well, well,” she says. She’s toying with her holstered yoga gun. You do remember your old yoga boss, and you remember that she’s quick on the draw. You need to choose your response carefully.
[[“Of course I remember you, Spirit Peaceflower.”|22]]
[[“I have no idea who you are. Please step out of my way.”|23]]
You decide to drive to the store. It doesn’t take you long to reach the Wellness District, where you pass by a variety of vegan art supply stores, eleventh hand clothing outlets, kale coffee shops, yoga factories, Zumba bars, almond milk dispensaries, and the tarot card library. You know this area well, and it won’t take you long to reach the boarded up façade of Indigo Age Spiritual Realm and Industrial Dye Conglomerate. Unfortunately, the road ahead is blocked by the car in front of you, which comes to a dead stop despite the light being green.
You honk your horn, which you’ve modified to play the soothing sound of windchimes during a light rainstorm, but that only makes the driver shut off their engine. With parked cars to your right, pncoming traffic to your left, and other cars stopping behind you, there is no way around the obstacle. As you stare at the offending vehicle, it starts to look familiar to you… and then your phone rings, startling you. You answer.
[[“Hello?”|31]]
[[“Howdy”|31]]
[[“Hola!”|31]]
[[“Ahoy-hoy?”|31]]
[[“Whassup?”|31]]
[[“What’s the haps?”|31]]
[[“What’s shaking?”|31]]
[[“Ahhhhhh! Ahh! Ahhhhh!”|32]]
[[“Yo, yo, yo!”|31]]
[[“Hey there”|31]]
[[“Yes?”|31]]
[[“What’s fartin, jerkwad?”|32]]
Spirit Peaceflower gives you a nasty grin. “I’m glad I leave an impression.”
Peaceflower was your boss at your old yoga factory, where yoga poses are performed to provide spiritual energy to the Wellness District. However, you found her too harsh a taskmaster and too stingy with her already subpar cucumber water, so you left for another opportunity. You now work at a rival yoga factory, and you can tell from Peaceflower’s face that she hasn’t taken your departure well.
“It’s good to see you,” you lie.
“Don’t flatter me. We both know why you left. You weren’t good enough to master my poses. And now you’re working for that hack Moonbeam Chariot.” She runs a finger over her yoga gun, as if the name of her bitter rival puts her on edge. “It would be a shame if he were to… lose you.”
You glance around. The street is quiet, and you know that Peaceflower wouldn’t hesitate to blast you away right here. But maybe you can appeal to her greed.
“Tell you what, Peaceflower. Yoga duel. Right here, right now. If you win, I return to your yoga factory. I’ll even stop complaining about your cucumber water. But if I win, you never bother me again.”
“My cucumber water is the best in town!” She snarls. She quickly composes herself, and laughs a cold laugh. “But I agree to your terms. Go ahead and pose your own yoga grave.”
A good yoga duelist uses positions that opposes those of their rival, but you need to choose your moves carefully. You know that Peaceflower won’t hesitate to cheat and use her yoga gun if you let her assume a position that gives her access to it.
[[Open with Ornery Buzzard.|24]]
[[Open with Confounded Octopus.|25]]
The woman frowns. “You’re awfully polite … for a liar!” She pulls her yoga gun and fires it before you have the chance to react. The blast compels you to assume the Inept Gazelle position. This challenging pose normally gives your glutes and deltoids a good stretch without sacrificing your chakra alignment, but it does come with the side effect of being unusually attractive to lions. In the safe confines of a yoga factory, this is not a problem. But as the stray lion starts sniffing at you, you realise that it’s a serious problem today.
[[Wait, so I just got eaten by a lion? What kind of town is this? Give me another shot at that conversation.|20]]
Peaceflower counters with a perfect Philosopher Baboon. One hand twitches towards her yoga gun. That’s not good. You need to lure her into a pose that will keep her hands occupied.
[[Try the Elongated Elephant.|26]]
[[Try the Conservative Mosquito.|27]]
Peaceflower counters with a perfect Aggravated Magpie. Her hands, spread out as wings, are nowhere near her yoga gun. So far, so good.
[[Move into Cuckolded Clam.|24]]
[[Move into Presenting Orangutan.|28]]
Peaceflower moves into the Pubescent Lamb position. That’s better. See if you can press the advantage.
[[Switch to Flexible Macaque.|28]]
[[Switch to Prejudiced Aardvark.|27]]
Peaceflower responds with a Dilettante Sloth. Unfortunately, there’s nothing slothful about the way her hand grabs her yoga gun. Before you can react she pulls it out and hits you with a blast that compels you into the Inept Gazelle position. This pose is of tremendous interest to yoga enthusiasts, but it’s of even greater interest to the stray lion that roams the Wellness District. It ravages your body and devours your whole.
[[Lame. I want another crack at her.|22]]
Peaceflower busts out a Serene Chinchilla. You’ve got her on the yoga ropes. Now’s your chance to finish her off.
[[Finish her with an Elitist Antelope.|27]]
[[Finish her with a Slippery Otter.|30]]
Peaceflower responds to your Slippery Otter with a perfect Inept Gazelle. Under standard Federation of International Yoga Dueling (FIYD) regulations, this would be a strong move. However, FIYD duels should never be held outdoors in the presence of a stray lion. Peaceflower’s look of triumph soon turns to panic as the lion approaches the scene (and what he believes to be a gazelle). She is forced to break her pose and flee down the street, which grants you victory by default. The last thing you hear from Peaceflower before she turns the corner and vanishes out of sight is “I shall have my revenge!” The last thing you hear from the lion before it turns the corner in hot pursuit is various lion noises.
[[Well, that will probably work itself out. On to the store!|40]]
“That is correct! My blood is indeed of the red type. Only the greatest of friends could know this.” Jeffua reaches out of the car window and embraces you, cutting himself on jagged glass shards in the process. “I am now convinced that you are telling the truth about why you are not inviting me into your home, and that you really do have my own health in mind. To celebrate what a great friend you are, I will stop blocking traffic. One day soon I will invite you over to my home, where we will celebrate by cleansing our bodies through urine injections. For now, however, I will say goodbye to my best friend.”
Jeffua starts his car and drives away, leaving you free to continue on your journey.
[[What a great friend, kind of. But now it’s crystal time!|40]]
“It’s been a while,” says the man on the phone. You immediately recognise the voice. It’s Jeffua.
Jeffua has been a good friend ever since you met in a Hat Appreciation course in college. You soon learned that you had much in common, including that you were both majoring in Smoothie Making, that you both prefer adding all-natural snake venom instead of processed sugar to your coffee, and that you both refuse to eat ham unless the pig had been allowed to freely practice the religion of its choosing. Now he works at the soap sliver recombination factory next to your yoga factory, and you often get your arugula recalibrated together over lunch. However, you’ve been avoiding Jeffua ever since he learned that you only invite people with magenta-colored eyes into your home. Jeffua has brown eyes, and he does not believe your claim that your policy is for his own safety because your emotional support lemurs attack anyone who doesn’t have magenta eyes. He also drives a car that you now recognize as the one parked in front of you.
“Yes, a while it has indeed been, Jeffua,” you say into the phone. “What can I do for you?”
“You can invite me into your home so that I might consult your many astrological charts, sample your many varieties of kombucha, and use your many urine analysis kits so that I can determine the health of my kidneys. I have tracked you down, and I refuse to move my car from this spot until I receive an invitation into your domain. I would rather die than not know what your adobe looks like.”
Even if your emotional support lemurs would not fly into a rage and attempt to rip out Jeffua’s eyes, you do not want to invite Jeffua into your home because he insists that his astrological sign is Jigglypuff, he drinks all your beloved Summer Sludge strain of kombucha, he believes that urine therapy is performed by injecting urine intravenously instead of drinking it like a normal person, and he thinks “adobe” means “abode.” You need to break this news to him gently, lest he react poorly, but you also need to resolve this situation quickly, lest the ever-growing line of drivers behind you gets angry. Their honks are already growing fierce.
[[“I’m sorry, Jeffua, but I cannot invite you into my home because I am too busy hanging out with your brother, Joshery.”|33]]
[[“I’m sorry, Jeffua, but I cannot invite you into my home because my emotional support lemurs would rip your eyes out, and I value you too much as a friend to blind you.”|34]]
[[“I’m sorry, Jeffua, but I cannot invite you into my home because it exploded in a terrible soup accident.”|33]]
Whoever it is on the other end doesn't appreciate your hilarious greeting and hangs up immediately. The car in front of you remains motionless. Traffic piles up behind you. Their horns grow angry. With no response from the driver causing the problem, you decide to step out of your own vehicle and attempt to reason with the road rage fuelled mob. Unfortunately, you soon discover why angry mobs are not famous for their rational decision making. You, however, will have plenty of time to consider your own decision making process from your brand new hospital bed, but the cost of your stay means that you won’t be buying a new crystal for your collection anytime soon.
[[Let me answer the phone again, I promise I won’t be weird this time.|21]]
“Liar!” Jeffua snarls. “You are the worst friend in human history, and I’m including Trotsky’s friend Dion who didn’t understand how to get ice! I am going to sit in my car until we both starve to death, and then I’m going to make God yell at you!”
Jeffua’s statement is, of course, absurd. The increasingly angry mob of drivers stuck behind you will rip you to shreds long before food becomes a problem. You soon discover that the people in the mob are all on their way to their first anger management seminar. You also learn that several of them are golf enthusiasts. You stop learning shortly thereafter.
[[I guess that answer was subpar. That’s meant to be literal, not wordplay, because being subpar is good in golf. Anyway, let me try another answer.||31]]
You can hear Jeffua’s eyes narrow over the phone. “So you’ve claimed before. But how do I know that you truly value me as a friend?”
“I think I know how to prove it to you. Wait there.”
You get out of your car, signal to the angry drivers behind you that you’re trying to resolve the situation, and knock on Jeffua’s car window. He breaks it open with a small hammer. Jeffua opposes the use of power-fueled windows because he believes that windows already have enough power in our society.
“Where is this supposed proof?” he asks.
“It’s inside me,” you say, ignoring the many small cuts made by the shattered glass. “Ask me anything about you and I will give you the truthful answer.”
Jeffua smiles. “That is a good idea. If you truly value me as a friend then you will know everything about me, including my blood type, which is red. But first I will start with an easy one. What is my profession?”
[[“You perform acupuncture on acupuncturists so that they are sufficiently relaxed while performing acupuncture on their patients.”|35]]
[[“You combine discarded slivers of soap into full bars of soap that can be sold by soap stores as new products.”|36]]
[[“You work at the cup factory, sorting out cups meant for cupping from cups meant to hold candles in fancy restaurants.”|35]]
“Wrong!” Jeffua screams. “You are the worst friend since Abraham Lincoln’s friend Stevraham said that wearing a bulletproof hat to the theatre would look gauche! Now I’m going to back my car into your car and kill us all in a huge explosion!”
There was no huge explosion, because that’s not how cars work. However, the resulting fender bender attracts the attention of the police, who arrest both of you. They test you for Greek yoghurt, and when it is found in your system you are charged with driving under the influence of Mediterranean culture. The legal fees from the ensuing trial sinks all of your savings, leaving you with nothing to buy crystals with. Jeffua writes a tell-all book about the experience called “How Do I Save A Word Document?” and acquires the crystal with the profits before promptly grinding it onto a plate of spaghetti and eating it.
[[Dang. But all good friendships deserve second chances, so let me try to prove my friendship again.|34]]
“That is correct, I am a soapsmith,” Jeffua says. “However, even a casual acquaintance should know that. Let’s try a harder one. Under which Zodiac symbol was I born?”
[[“You were born under Taurus, which is why you like to make horns out of your fingers, run around shops, and smash their merchandise.”|35]]
[[“You were born under Gemini, which is why you like to go up to strangers and insist that they’re your long-lost twin.”|35]]
[[“You were born under Jigglypuff, which is why you perform karaoke by screaming the song’s title repeatedly.”|37]]
“That is correct, I was born under the very real sign of Jigglypuff, and I love to get on the karaoke stage and belt out my favourite lyric “Bohemian Rhapsody.” However, I have been to karaoke with many acquaintances, so this is not enough to prove that you are a true friend. You must continue to make your case by telling me the name of my only sibling.”
[[“Your only sibling is named Joshery, in honour of noted dental sciences pioneer Joshery Broadway.”|38]]
[[“Your only sibling is named Rurb, in honour of noted tuba journalist Rurb Shazam.”|35]]
[[“Your only sibling is named Brike, in honour of noted shotput polisher Brike Angleford.”|35]]
“That is correct, my brother is named Joshery and he has honored the good name of Joshery Broadway by collecting thousands of teeth. Only a really good friend would know that. However, to prove that you are the best friend in all of the land, you should know my blood type in case I ever suffer a serious accident while trying to open a jar of organic pickles. Do you know what my blood type is?”
[[“Yes, your blood type is B positive, because you always try to be positive.”|35]]
[[“Yes, your blood type is red, because you do not understand the concept of blood types.”|39]]
[[“This is a trick question. You do not have any blood, because you replaced it all with water in a misguided attempt to lose weight.”|35]]
You’re standing outside the boarded up entrance to Indigo Age Spiritual Realm and Industrial Dye Conglomerate. Faded posters in the window advertise old palm reading seminars of both the hand and tree variety, and beyond them you see only darkness. It looks pretty dang closed to you, but you never did go back to school for your MBA, so what do you really know about business?
[[Knock on the door.|41]]
[[Open the door.|42]]
[[Lick the door.|43]]
You give the door three strong knocks. There’s no response… but you swear you hear the faint sound of someone scurrying around in there. Maybe this store isn’t so abandoned after all.
[[Guess I’ll try opening the door.|42]]
[[A quick lick wouldn’t hurt, right?|43]]
To your surprise, the handle turns and the door swings open. But, like, with a super ominous creak. And you can barely see a thing in front of you.
[[That sounds spooky, however a sudden pivot to full horror at this point in the story would be both dubious writing and out of character for this publication. I feel confident about stepping inside.|54]]
No. Come on. You don’t need to do that.
[[I guess you’re right.|40]]
[[But I wanna.|44]]
Ugh.
[[Fine, I won’t lick the door.|40]]
[[This very publication has long preached the importance of being true to yourself. To deny me the chance to honestly and openly express myself now would be the height of hypocrisy.|45]]
Yeah, but it’s still a gross old door. No good can come of this.
[[I guess you’re right.|40]]
[[I don’t care. I’m gonna moisten that door up nice and good with my mouth juice and you can’t stop me.|46]]
Fine! You give the door a great big lick. It tastes like old paint, you get weird looks from passersby, and now you have a splinter in your tongue. Are you happy now?
[[Mmm. So happy. I barely even feel the splinter.|47]]
Great. Now what?
[[Knock on the door.|41]]
[[Open the door.|42]]
[[Lick the door again.|49]]
Please stop. You’re making a mockery of this adventure.
[[Okay, I’ll just knock on the door.|41]]
[[Okay, I’ll just open the door.|42]]
[[I don’t care. I want that door to look like it just got a fresh coat of varnish. I want that door to call me when it gets lonely at night. I produce an unnaturally large amount of saliva and this door doesn’t judge me for it.|50]]
Fine. You know what? Fine. You lick the door again.
[[Thank you.|51]]
In fact, you continue to lick the door. You lick the door for hours.
[[Uh…|52]]
You now know the nooks and crannies of this door better than you have ever known the body of a lover. You are now in a common law relationship with this door by the legal standards of 37 states.
[[Okay, I get the point.|53]]
You lick the door so thoroughly that its rough edges are now smooth like the slickest glass. It contracts in size to the point where it falls out of the doorframe, granting you access to the darkened store. However, “tragically,” your tongue is so sore that it falls out of your mouth. You bend down to pick it up and rush to the hospital, but it is snatched and devoured by a rat. You will never lick anything again. It’s a good thing you took that American Sign Language course, and that the Wellness District happens to contain the highest concentration of ASL speakers in the world.
[[Okay, okay, I'll go inside now. Jeez.|54]]
You step into the store. It’s dark, but you can use your phone to illuminate the area because this is 2018 and we’re not going to invent some hacky excuse for you to not have your phone on you. There’s a faint purple glow coming from beneath a door in the back corner, but otherwise the store certainly appears to have been long abandoned. The shelves are dusty and empty, the paint faded and scuffed. A few stray pamphlets advertising Dye Therapy dot the floor. One has been scribbled on and now reads “Die Therapy.”
[[Seems like I should probably check out the glowing door.|55]]
[[I think I’ll just poke around in the garbage a bit first.|56]]
You approach the glowing door. Its handle is strangely warm to the touch. But before you can turn it, a voice says “I wouldn’t open that door, if I were you.” You glance behind you and see a wizened old man. He looks like Gandalf on casual Friday.
[[“Well you’re not me, so suck it, old man! Ominous statements based on hypothetical scenarios are lame!”|60]]
[[“…God?”|61]]
[[“Why wouldn’t you open this door?”|62]]
You find half a pack of wacky stickers and a rat that might be diseased.
[[Okay, I’ll check out the glowing door now.|55]]
[[I combine the items.|57]]
This isn’t that kind of game.
[[But I want to combine them anyway.|58]]
Okay, fine. You put a sticker that says “My Gossip Class Has A Vegan Cooking Problem!” on the mangiest part of the rat. This accomplishes nothing.
[[But I enjoyed the act of doing it, and an important part of wellness is taking pleasure in the little things. Even if there was no inherent greater meaning in what I just did, by deriving joy from it I created meaning for both the act and myself.|59]]
That’s a bit high and mighty for a rat toucher, but alright.
[[You’re just jealous that I have a joie de vivre that you lack. And, having continued to live my life to the fullest, I will now approach the weird glowing door.|55]]
You make sure the old man looks sufficiently burned by your sick zinger, and then you try to open the door. It’s locked. You sheepishly turn around and ask the man if he has the key, but he refuses to speak to you. You have no choice but to leave in shame. Feeling bad for disrespecting the elderly, you decide to volunteer in a nursing home. It brings you tremendous spiritual fulfillment right up until you contract Legionnaires' disease and die an untimely death.
[[All of that from a few harsh words? I know now that karma can be just but merciless. Give me another go, I won’t be a jerk this time.|54]]
“Uh, no,” the man says, after a moment of confused silence.
“Oh.” There’s an awkward pause. “Okay, but imagine how insightful I would have looked if you were God. I mean, you want to be on the ball if you ever meet Him, right?”
The man just coughs.
[[“Okay, fine. Why wouldn’t you open this door?”|62]]
“Because behind the door lies a cursed artifact of tremendous power!” The man widens his stance and deepens his voice, as though savouring the dramatic moment. “Also, I have the key and I won’t give it to you.”
[[“Tell me more about this curse.”|63]]
“My name is Oswald Darling, heir to the Darling family dye fortune. For centuries my family has manufactured high quality dye, but while this made us financially powerful, it left us spiritually empty. It all began when my great-great-great-great-great-grandfather…”
Uh oh. You can tell that this is going to be a long one. Do you want to make him get to the point?
[[Yeah, I’ll do that “hurry it up” hand motion.|64]]
[[Eh, I got nowhere to be.|65]]
“Ah, yes, the crystal. I have tried to merge my family’s industrial empire with my own spiritual aspirations. Thus, I opened this wellness shop with the profits from our dye business, and I offered everything a spiritual person could dream of needing, from Reiki gloves to squid pills. It was all going so well. But then I acquired that damn crystal! And in return for trying to heal people with the mighty power of dye, I was rewarded with nothing but heartache and ruin! Now I live an empty half-life among the remains of my empire, warning people away from making the same mistake that I did. Don’t seek the power of the crystal! It will doom you!”
[[“I see your point. This crystal is clearly cursed, and no mortal should tamper with its mighty power.”|65a]]
[[“I’m no expert, but I feel like the fundamental concept of dye therapy may have been the main cause of your ruination.”|69]]
[[“That’s a dumb story, and you’re a dumb person. Just let me take your crystal off your hands.”|70]]
“…and that’s how dye was made in the 1850s. Now, many interesting innovations came into play during the 1860s, and if you think dye didn’t play a role in Canadian Confederation, then do I have news for you. The next chapter of our story begins in a small house in Oshawa…”
[[Okay, I think it’s time to get to the point.|64]]
[[Fascinating.|66]]
“…during this time, many poets wrote that the trenches of Europe were awash in blood, but I would argue that, in many senses, they were truly awash in dye. Indeed, dye came to symbolise man’s commonalities and the brutality of war, because when dye seeped from the uniforms of the fallen and into the mud, the colours would mix and form a new colour that made it impossible to distinguish friend from so-called foe. But I must admit that this is also a dark chapter in our family’s history, for my rogue great-great-uncle, heady from the profits we were making selling dyes to both sides, sabotaged early attempts at peace by…”
[[Alright, I should probably get back to focusing on the crystal.|64]]
[[Wow, I’m learning so much about the history of dye!|67]]
“…and that’s how dye brought down the Berlin Wall. But what we often forget, in the wake of this incredible accomplishment, is dye’s equally important role in the nearly concurrent overthrow of Ceaușescu. For you see, it was within the walls of a shadowy Bucharest prison that my aunt, the adventurous black sheep of the family, discovered an interest in spirituality that would help her through her darkest hours. And this interest, which some said grew to be an obsession, led her to learn of a healing crystal rumoured to be more powerful than any crystal which had come before it…”
[[“Yes, the crystal! Tell me about the crystal!”|64]]
[[“Whoa, let’s not get away from this dye saga!”|68]]
“…and now that I have explained how dye was at the forefront of the cryptocurrency revolution, I have told you everything there is to know about dye. Do you have any questions?”
[[“Now that I understand the appropriate historical context, can you tell me about the crystal?”|64]]
And with those words you go home, secure in the belief that you have done the right thing. A week later you head off on another wacky adventure and, long story short, when the Crystal Killer demands a crystal in exchange for your life, he is not appreciative of the fact that you can merely give him a “hilariously ironic story.”
[[Okay, I’ll try again, but if this crystal really is cursed I’m going to be so mad at you.|64]]
“Oh, that’s just what the victims and the media and the public and the lawyers and the judge and the experts who were called upon to testify said!” Oswald suddenly looks deranged. “You start injecting a little dye directly into people’s livers and suddenly you’re a ‘kook’ with ‘crazy ideas!’ Well, fine! If the world won’t appreciate my genius, then I won’t let it appreciate my sacrifice, either! Just take the damn crystal.”
Oswald produces the key and throws it at your feet.
“Just don’t come begging for my help when it comes back to haunt you.”
He departs his collapsed wellness empire, and you collect the key from the ground.
[[Let’s open that door!|71]]
“No, it’s too dangerous!” Oswald, seeing that you’re serious about acquiring the crystal, produces the key and swallows it. “I have to keep it safe no matter what, and this will keep it extremely safe, at least for a few days. Now leave this terrible place, and do not darken my doorstep again!”
You leave the store with the intention of returning next week, when the key is, uh, back. However, you are so busy plotting a better conversational approach that you don’t notice the organic chainsaw kiosk’s live demonstration until you walk right into it, and we don’t mean figuratively. No crystal in the world is going to heal those wounds.
[[Sounds contrived, but you’re the story boss. Rewind me!|64]]
You open the locked door and step into a small, simple room. There’s a shrine in the middle. On top of it sits the second largest healing crystal you’ve ever seen. It’s beautiful. It’s perfect. It defies description, although in general we are definitely capable of describing crystals, shut up, you don’t know us. A warm purple light emanates from within it. It’s almost hypnotic. You get the sense that this crystal could solve all of your problems. Although there’s something suspicious about the way it’s just sitting there…
[[I will carefully examine the shrine before I touch the crystal.|72]]
[[I will grab the crystal from the shrine, because I have never seen a movie.|73]]
You kneel down and examine the shrine from all angles. If there’s a trap on this thing, you’re going to find it, assuming real traps function just like on TV. As you examine the shrine you suddenly hear a voice.
“Yoink!”
You scramble to your feet. Mack, the man who sent you on this quest, is standing there with the crystal in hand.
“Thanks for getting the door open for me. I would have done it myself, but Oswald never would have let me in. I was putting all the crystals I bought from him on a paper credit card I cut out of a children’s restaurant menu, and he finally caught on. But I just had to have this crystal for my collection. It’s going to look great on the credenza in my emergency back-up dining room.”
[[“So you used me! Not cool, man.”|74]]
You grab the crystal. Nothing happens. Well, you do feel an incredible burst of power, but nothing happens to the shrine or anything. Now that the crystal is in your hand you can’t stop looking at it. It’s almost … sensual.
“It’s really something, isn’t it?”
You tear your eyes away from the crystal. Mack, the man who sent you on this quest, is standing in the doorway.
“Thanks for getting the crystal for me. I would have done it myself, but Oswald never would have let me have it. I was putting all the crystals I bought from him on a paper credit card I cut out of a children’s restaurant menu, and he finally caught on. But I just have to have this crystal for my collection. It’s going to look great on the credenza in my emergency back-up dining room.”
[[“You used me! But I have the crystal now.”|77]]
“Use is such a strong word,” Mack says. “Besides, there was something in it for you, too. While you were adventuring, I arranged for a plumber to break into your apartment and fix your water supply, and then I arranged for a locksmith to upgrade the lock that the plumber broke. You can live a healthy, secure life now. Here, I put your new key on an amusing keychain.”
Mack tosses you a keychain that says “I Wish This Was A Key To A Private Spa!”
“So, are we good?”
[[“Nope. I want the crystal for myself.”|75]]
[[“Yup. Although I still have a few questions…”|76]]
Something about the crystal calls to you. You want it. You need it. You take a desperate swing at Mack, but he steps aside with ease while simultaneously swiping the crystal from your hand. He lets out a sigh as though your attack was a mere inconvenience.
“I was afraid you’d do that,” he says, now clasping the crystal. “But I must confess that I don’t just want this crystal for decorative purposes. For it does indeed hold a mighty power, and I need it for something … more.”
He steps out of the room and slams the door in your face with almost supernatural speed.
“True wellness isn’t found in possessions, friend,” he says, from the other side of the door. “If you desire material goods above experience and camaraderie then you’ll never really fill that void in your soul. I hope you reflect on that during your time alone. Don’t panic in there! I’m sure someone will find you … eventually.”
You try the door, but Mack locked it. You try your phone, but there’s no signal in this tiny, mystical room. With the crystal gone, there isn’t even any light. Maybe Mack was right. Maybe possessions—even possessions that claim they can solve everything—aren’t the answer. And maybe someone will find you. Maybe.
The End
What now?
[[I would like to return to the beginning of the game, where I will attempt a different path and try for another of the four exciting endings.|1]]
<a href="https://bunnyears.com" target="_top">I would like to visit the main page, where I will cap off this experience by reading some high quality and completely earnest wellness news and advice.</a>
Mack smiles. “I’m afraid I don’t have answers for you. Not today, anyway. Perhaps another day. But for now, just go home. Rest. Drink clean water.” Mack puts his hand on your shoulder. “Live your life, and be well. You’ve made a friend today.”
And so you return home, where you treat yourself to a nice glass of delicious, clear water. You have neither crystal nor guest towels in hand, but you feel happier than you’ve felt in a long time, because you’ll remember your experiences forever. And now you have a fancy new lock, clean pipes … and a small gift box on your kitchen table. You open it. Inside are a set of bunny ears, and a note that reads “Wear these if you ever need help.”
You look at the ears and wonder if a time where you’ll need that mysterious man’s help will ever come. But for now you are content. It was a good day.
The End
What now?
[[I would like to return to the beginning of the game, where I will attempt a different path and try for another of the four exciting endings.|1]]
<a href="https://bunnyears.com" target="_top">I would like to visit the main page, where I will cap off this experience by reading some high quality and completely earnest wellness news and advice.</a>
If you see this, just click the links at the top, or something on the side. Or just manually visit the site. Thanks for playing!
[[I would like to visit the main page, where I will cap off this experience by reading some high quality and completely earnest wellness news and advice.|(goto-url: 'https://bunnyears.com')]] “Use is such a strong word. Besides, there’s something in it for you too. While you were adventuring I arranged for a plumber to break into your apartment and fix your water supply, and then I arranged for a locksmith to upgrade the lock that the plumber broke. You can live a healthy, secure life now. Here, I put your new key on an amusing keychain.”
Mack dangles a keychain that says “I Wish This Was A Key To A Private Spa!” in front of you.
“Let’s trade. I get the crystal for my collection, and you get a water source that won’t slowly kill you. I think that’s a generous offer.”
[[“I don’t need clean water now that I have the crystal. And I don’t need you either!”|78]]
[[“Generous is a bit of stretch considering that you tricked me, but I agree to your terms.”|79]]
You attempt to run past Mack, crystal in hand. The next thing you know, you’ve been shoved to the back of the room and the door has been slammed shut.
“I was afraid the crystal would get to you,” Mack says from the other side of the door. “You can sense its power, can’t you? I must confess that I wanted it for more than just decorative purposes. But I can be … patient.”
You hear him start to walk away, but then he pauses. “True wellness isn’t found in possessions, friend,” he says, his voice fainter now. “If you desire material goods above experience and camaraderie then you’ll never really fill that void in your soul. I hope you reflect on that while you still can.”
You try the door, but Mack locked it. You try your phone, but there’s no signal in here. It’s just you and the crystal. But that’s all you need … right?
The End
[[I would like to return to the beginning of the game, where I will attempt a different path and try for another of the four exciting endings.|1]]
<a href="https://bunnyears.com" target="_top">I would like to visit the main page, where I will cap off this experience by reading some high quality and completely earnest wellness news and advice.</a>
Mack smiles and holds his left hand out. You carefully make the exchange. Then Mack offers his right hand, and you shake it.
“Go home and rest. Drink some clean water. Live your life, and be well. You’ve made a friend today.”
And so you return home, where you treat yourself to a nice glass of delicious water. You have neither crystal nor guest towels in hand, but you feel happier than you’ve felt in a long time, because you’ll remember your experiences forever. And now you have a fancy new lock, clean pipes … and a small gift box on your kitchen table. You open it. Inside are a set of bunny ears, and a note that reads “Wear these if you ever need help.”
You look at the ears and wonder if a time where you’ll need that mysterious man’s help will ever come. But for now you are content. It was a good day.
The End
[[I would like to return to the beginning of the game, where I will attempt a different path and try for another of the four exciting endings.|1]]
<a href="https://bunnyears.com" target="_top">I would like to visit the main page, where I will cap off this experience by reading some high quality and completely earnest wellness news and advice.</a>