Unhealthy food understands it’s our prey, so it releases toxic sugars and fats into our bodies as a self-defense mechanism when we eat. But it doesn’t have to be this way. For so long, diets have unfairly disparaged unhealthy food without taking a second to consider whether our cakes and fries would harm us if they got to know us. Recent science suggests we can all eat healthier by talking unhealthy food into being less fatty, just like how a bank robber can be talked out of a hostage situation by a skilled negotiator with only a few casualties.
Let’s suppose you order a steak, a side of onion rings, and a bowl of ice cream from a restaurant. Here’s what you need to do to talk that meal into being fat-free and sugarless without sacrificing flavor.
Tell It Your Health Fears
Snuggle close to the steak. As gently as you can, as if reading a child a bedtime story, tell the steak you’re afraid you might die young if you keep eating unhealthy food, so it’d be great if it didn’t shorten your lifespan. Go on to explain that if it isn’t eaten now, at the peak of its heat and flavor, it will soon die a stale and moldy death. It should go out in the prime of its life while making someone else (you) very happy.
Some might call this emotionally manipulative. We call it taking the first steps toward caloric disarmament.
Compliment Your Food
Once you’ve expressed your deepest health fears, you can further develop your relationship with the meal by complementing it as you take deep contemplative sniffs. “Ooh, my!” you can say. “What an intoxicating aroma! Surely a meal so fine as this should be served to a king and not a pauper such as myself! I must have ascended unto another plane of greatness to deserve such a fine meal!” is an example of something you can shout in an Applebee’s.
Become Best Friends
After opening yourself up to your steak, reliving fond childhood memories with the onion rings, and exchanging jokes with the ice cream, realize that there might be more to this than a simple relationship between a person and their meal. This might be the beginnings of a long-lasting friendship. Lean into these feelings. Have fun with it, but don’t be afraid to discuss hot-button issues of the day to better understand the texture of your meal’s soul.
Maintain the friendship a little while longer. The unhealthy elements are almost gone.
Do not develop any deeper feelings for the meal.
Uh-oh. You kissed it. You couldn’t contain your blossoming affection and smooched the whole dinner, and everyone saw it. Surprisingly, you’re not afraid of what fellow patrons will think of your nontraditional love. Your concern is with whether your meal feels like you’ve misconstrued your relationship. By now, the steak is fat-free, all cholesterol in the onion rings has been converted into vitamins, and the ice cream will actually burn calories.
But that’s not the point anymore. You’ve found love in that Applebee’s steak dinner. All that matters now is whether it feels the same.
If it doesn’t, you’re food’s healthy. Chow down!
Only continue reading if your meal loves you back.
Leave Your Spouse
Your spouse, who’s been sitting across from you this entire time, needs to go. Let them down as gently as possible, since being dumped for a mediocre steak dinner from a family-friendly casual dining franchise can be heartbreaking.
Make your love official with a spontaneous wedding witnessed only by the Applebee’s waiter you dragged by the polo to the nearest chapel. In some rural areas, the chapel will be in the Applebee’s.
Mourn Its Inevitable Death
Realize all too late that the brief lifespan of a fruit fly eclipses that of an Applebee’s steak dinner. Such is the tragedy of falling in love with food you tried to talk into being healthy. Falling in love with an unhealthy meal happens to only 1 in 70,957,480 people. Knowing the statistics, ask yourself if you feel lucky having fallen rapturously in love with a steak dinner from Applebee’s if only for a brief moment, or was it unfair of fate to thrust this tragedy on you?
The step-by-step guide to answering that question can’t be found on a celebrity lifestyle blog. It can only be found in your heart.