Overclock Your PC For 8K Horse Gonads In ‘Red Dead Redemption 2’

October 22, 2019 by , featured in Video Games
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It’s been a long time coming, but Rockstar Games is finally giving gamers what they want: Red Dead Redemption 2 is coming to PC, bringing more digitally-rendered horse gonads than you can shake a stick at. Early reports say that the enhanced graphics for the PC port look breathtaking, allowing for 60 frames per second at 4K resolution. While that may suffice for the common casual gamer, true horse cock aficionados know that only the bleeding edge of gaming hardware will do. Which is why Rockstar employees reportedly endured 100-hour workweeks so you could see those lovingly-coded horses in glorious 8K.

Remember, this is a game where your steed’s meaty clackers will expand and shrink based on the ambient weather. Do you really want to see contracting horse nards in only 4K, or, God forbid, 1080p? Of course not.

How They Did It

Programmers digested thousands of hours of video footage of horse genitals to better understand how they sway to and fro. Rockstar even flew the dev team out to the Preakness and Kentucky Derby, where they observed how horse members operate at high speed. Rockstar also purchased a ranch property in Montana and filled the stable with different horse breeds, from shy Palominos to girthy Clydesdales—all so they could study how horse gonads expand and contract in various temperatures and humidity levels.

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Additionally, Rockstar brought in a group of elite mathematicians to devise a brand-new algorithm that would allow for previously–unknown levels of detail on the shriveling horse balls. Ordinary “shrinkage” would not do—Rockstar demanded scrotal contractions so precise that a quantum computer was needed to test the benchmarks. Three mathematicians died in the development of this algorithm.

So when you boot up RDR2 on your gaming PC and see your chestnut thoroughbred’s sack descending as the summer breeze fades, you’ll know you’re seeing the real deal. Still think you’re fine just playing on an Xbox?

Red Dead Redemption 2 comes to PC on November 5th.

Image: Pixabay, Rockstar


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