Overclock Your PC For 8K Horse Gonads In ‘Red Dead Redemption 2’

October 22, 2019 by , featured in Video Games
Share this on
  • 35

It’s been a long time coming, but Rockstar Games is finally giving gamers what they want: Red Dead Redemption 2 is coming to PC, bringing more digitally-rendered horse gonads than you can shake a stick at. Early reports say that the enhanced graphics for the PC port look breathtaking, allowing for 60 frames per second at 4K resolution. While that may suffice for the common casual gamer, true horse cock aficionados know that only the bleeding edge of gaming hardware will do. Which is why Rockstar employees reportedly endured 100-hour workweeks so you could see those lovingly-coded horses in glorious 8K.

Remember, this is a game where your steed’s meaty clackers will expand and shrink based on the ambient weather. Do you really want to see contracting horse nards in only 4K, or, God forbid, 1080p? Of course not.

How They Did It

Programmers digested thousands of hours of video footage of horse genitals to better understand how they sway to and fro. Rockstar even flew the dev team out to the Preakness and Kentucky Derby, where they observed how horse members operate at high speed. Rockstar also purchased a ranch property in Montana and filled the stable with different horse breeds, from shy Palominos to girthy Clydesdales—all so they could study how horse gonads expand and contract in various temperatures and humidity levels.

Explore Polyamory By Playing The New 'Mario Swinger Party'

Additionally, Rockstar brought in a group of elite mathematicians to devise a brand-new algorithm that would allow for previously–unknown levels of detail on the shriveling horse balls. Ordinary “shrinkage” would not do—Rockstar demanded scrotal contractions so precise that a quantum computer was needed to test the benchmarks. Three mathematicians died in the development of this algorithm.

So when you boot up RDR2 on your gaming PC and see your chestnut thoroughbred’s sack descending as the summer breeze fades, you’ll know you’re seeing the real deal. Still think you’re fine just playing on an Xbox?

Red Dead Redemption 2 comes to PC on November 5th.

Image: Pixabay, Rockstar

Share this on
  • 35

Leave a comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Due To Economy, Castlevania Now Available For Rent On AirBnb

Remembering The Doping Scandal That Rocked ‘Mario & Sonic At The Olympic Games’

I Was Sucked Into A Video Game, But It Was ‘Rory McIlroy PGA Tour 2’

Everything We’re Confident ‘Death Stranding’ Is NOT

We Regret Defending PaRappa The Rapper’s Use Of The N-Word

Cool Stuff to Buy

Stalk Us

Home Lifestyle Pop Culture Wrestling Podcasts Videos About Us