What To Do With All That Clay You’ve Failed to Digest

By now, you’ve probably heard about Shailene Woodley’s advice to eat clay to rid your body of heavy metals and negative isotopes. No one knows what those are, but if you want to be pretty and rich like Shailene, you better have started adding a heaping side of earthenware to every meal. But Shailene never warned us about what happens when you stuff indigestible matter down your eat-tube, and now you’re left staring at the actual brick that tore through your colon to its final watery resting place, unsure what to do next. (If you are not currently doing this, just give it a few days.) You don’t want to flush it — clay has the clogging power of a thousand tampon factories, and that’s a conversation you do not want to have with your landlord.

Instead, why not take this problem and turn it into an oppor-poo-nity? Just fish that bad boy out and take up sculpture! It’s a fun, healthy hobby that’s perfect for the new, healthy you. Learning to sculpt can be overwhelming, so I’ve begun keeping a diary of my experiences sculpting the material that blasted through my rectum like a block of C4. I hope you find my journey inspiring.

Day 1

Sculpture is so easy and fun! There are all kinds of books and videos to help you learn different techniques. I’ve already made a lovely flower pot. Maybe I’ll start an herb garden! My interests are already expanding as surely as my lower intestine.

Day 2

Already getting bored with flower pots. With my hands sunk into the clay that was so recently in my butt, I feel the soul of an artist rising within me. I think I’m going to try a bust. Maybe I’ll do Shailene! Won’t that be fun?

Day 3

I finished Shailene! I had to watch The Fault in Our Stars three times to get it just right, and it was kind of hard to see through the tears (that gas station scene? So sad!), but an artist perseveres. It came out pretty good. Think I can do better, though.

Day 4

I have 17 clay Shailenes. Each one is more perfect than the last. I should start an Instagram account to document the progress of my ass-clay Shailenes. Oh my god, what if Shailene saw them and followed me and we became best friends? This is going to be so much fun!

Day 5

Shailene refuses to acknowledge me. I’ve sent hundreds of pictures of my Shailenes to her official Instagram, Twitter, Facebook, and all she’s done is block me. Why doesn’t she appreciate my art? She’s my muse. If she rejects my tributes, what’s the point? What’s the point of anything? Feeling discouraged today.

Day 6

I Googled some voodoo rituals I can use with my Shailenes. I’m performing them tonight. I won’t be ignored, Shailene.

Day 7

Voodoo didn’t work. Only one thing left to do. I’ve hired a private detective who doesn’t ask too many questions. We’re taking a ride, my little Shailene army.

Day 8

I presented my loving homages at Shailene’s feet at her home last night, and can you believe it? She called the cops! I was led away in handcuffs, and only barely escaped jail by promising to obey the restraining order. But that’s okay. I don’t need her anymore. I’ve sculpted a life-size Shailene, and by injecting her with my blood, her size won’t be the only thing “life” about her. Shailene and I will be one. I’ve already begun the transfusion process. Just … a little … more …