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…Did Tupac fake his birth?…
…Quiz: Is This The Good Milk?…
…Am I standing right behind you? The answer might surprise you!…
…Sugar daddy eaten by ants…
…Spoiler alert: The milk has gone bad…
…Mother Struggles To Explain Scott Baio To Her Child…
…Local Couple Adopts Blind Dogs And Just Puts Them Down…
…Research shows laughter definitely not the best medicine…
…Email From Mom Has 4 FWDs In Subject Line…
…Breaking – There’s A Spider In Your Pocket…
…Confirmed: Everyone is hanging out without you…
…6 Year Online Romance Ends In Weird Handshake…
…A New Generation Of Turtles Are Learning Martial Arts…
…Local white guy “gets it”…
…Help, I’m Trapped In A Headline Writing Factory. Details To Follow…
… Michael Jordan Comes Out Of Retirement To Dunk On Angela Merkel…
…Single 32 Year Old Patiently Waits For Friends To Get Divorced…
…According to studies accordions are unsteady…
…Chill Girlfriend Constantly Suppressing Everything…
…Survey finds startling amount of ghosts are racist….
…Very smart toilet begs for death…
…Gordon Ramsay Signed Beef Wellington Sells For 1.6 Million…
…Report reveals Rice-A-Roni actually from Detroit…
…Reported discovery of new planet turns out to be your mom…
…Drugs In Water Supply Treat Fish’s Depression…
…Woman With Scoliosis Has Detailed Knowledge Of Floor-…
…Study: Loss Of Car Leads To 1000% Catcalling Increase…
…13th month discovered between February and March….
…Fourth grade teacher found to be not as hot as you remember…
…Dollars to donuts exchange crashing…
…Santa is real, and he lives in your crawl space….
…Update: Only very tiny hats now cool…
…Hurricane wipes out town of Duckberg…
…Opinion: We’re In A Golden Age Of Trash Talking…
…Unusually Buff Dog Not Breaking Eye Contact…
…Half The World’s Bees Have Never Seen The Show Seinfeld…
…Man discovers woman already knows thing he was going to tell her….
…According to studies studying causes cancer…
…Man pretty sure Game Of Thrones is historically accurate…
…Against All Odds, Man Learns To Dance…
…Millennials Are Disrupting The Banjo Industry…
…’Glow Up’ Discovered To Just Be DBZ Reference…
…Single Woman Manages To Meet Food Delivery Minimum…
…Adult Hearing Mom Use Their Full Name Still Terrified…
…Opinion: I Have The Best Smile And Coolest Personality …
…Shazaam not a real movie…Google it…
…Woman Memorizes Snapple Fact In Case Tonight’s Party Is That Bad…
…Scientists Discover A Lot Of Cool Junk In Older Brother’s Room…
…Children May Be Stupider And Weaker Than Previously Thought…
…Hospital Cracks Down On Patients Getting Chemo For Fun…
…Big dick energy drink selling poorly…
…Scientists find that deja vu is just alternate timeline of you dying…
…Bunny Ears wins prestigious Bunny Ears website of the year award at the Bunny Ears Awards…
…Don’t Forget To Grab Milk…
…Your Dog Might Have A Secret Passport…
…Violent Pokémon dispute sparks trade war…
…Breaking: Absolutely no one wang chunging tonight…
…New Boyfriend Eats Imitation Crab Straight From The Package…

Meditative Things White People Can Do While Black People Attempt To Explain White Privilege

So you’ve just been clapped back about white privilege. Don’t panic—anxiety is bad for your skin. There are many ways to handle being called out by black people, but we’re going to show you—a perfectly normal, non-racist, upper-class, Obama-voting white person—the most liberal and self-affirming approaches.

Asanas And Mantras

This one’s tricky because it’s very easy to outright offend your garden variety African-American—or, indeed, anyone—by doing yoga during a heated conversation, but don’t worry about that for now. Break out your yoga mat.

The first asana, or yoga pose, is an uttanasana, or a standing forward-bend. Keep your legs straight and bend over as much as you can until your fingertips are as close to the ground as possible. This pose relieves stress and shoulder tension, which you’ll need after shrugging off accusations that you say “the blacks” too much. It soothes your muscles and hamstrings, too, not that you’ll need it after all that stretching you did when you said “Maybe Black Lives Matter just goes too far.”

Next up is a classic and personal favorite at Bunny Ears: the sasangasana, or “rabbit pose.” Get in a kneeling position like you’re about to beg for white forgiveness, curl your body forward until your head is touching your knees, and grab your heels with your hands. Inhale, then exhale. You are not a racist. Inhale, then exhale. You have 2.5 black friends.

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Find Peace Of Mind By Embracing Adversity

Buddhism teaches us that we can root out sources of stress, or dukkha, in our lives by facing problems head on. We can achieve inner calm by accepting the situation and taking charge. Let go of white guilt, let go of reparations, let go of slavery—we are all here now. White, black, red, yellow—all the beautiful, beautiful colors of the human rainbow. Achieve a middle ground with your African-American friend. Acknowledge their suffering. “Yes. We whites have done you wrong. Yes. Our troubled history can never be forgotten. But let us bury the hatchet and be one together.”

If all that fails and your African-American friend starts raising their voice despite their best attempts, call it a day, hightail it to the nearest Starbucks, and call the police.

Eat, Pray, Jive

Food is one of the most effective tools for calming our inner storm as well as brokering peace. Mid-argument, pull out your homemade organic Thai red curry and have lunch. Arguments are hard work, so bring enough coconut water to keep your African-American friend hydrated while they patiently walk you through why you’re still wrong.

If this gesture of kindness somehow offends and enrages your African-American friend, don’t panic. Remember that scene from Jurassic Park 3 when Grant slowly puts the stolen velociraptor eggs on the ground and the raptors pick them up and take off? Do that, but with your eco-friendly BPA-free water bottle, saying “Whoa, man, I don’t want no trouble.” Once you’re at a safe distance, hightail it to the nearest Starbucks and call the police.

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Hypnosis

Anyone can do hypnotherapy, and it doesn’t take much work to achieve incredible results. Start by explaining to your African-American friend what their problems are in great, extensive detail. “Why must you see skin color? We live in a post-race world.” Then, offer a palatable solution. “There’s a Panda Express, Sbarro, El Pollo Loco, and P.F. Chang’s all sitting next to each other on the same block. That’s diversity!” Through repetition and guided conditioning of both the mind and body, you can successfully help your African-American friend to realize that they were the real racist after all.

Images: Pexels, Pixabay, Pixabay

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