So you’ve just been clapped back about white privilege. Don’t panic—anxiety is bad for your skin. There are many ways to handle being called out by black people, but we’re going to show you—a perfectly normal, non-racist, upper-class, Obama-voting white person—the most liberal and self-affirming approaches.
Asanas And Mantras
This one’s tricky because it’s very easy to outright offend your garden variety African-American—or, indeed, anyone—by doing yoga during a heated conversation, but don’t worry about that for now. Break out your yoga mat.
The first asana, or yoga pose, is an uttanasana, or a standing forward-bend. Keep your legs straight and bend over as much as you can until your fingertips are as close to the ground as possible. This pose relieves stress and shoulder tension, which you’ll need after shrugging off accusations that you say “the blacks” too much. It soothes your muscles and hamstrings, too, not that you’ll need it after all that stretching you did when you said “Maybe Black Lives Matter just goes too far.”
Next up is a classic and personal favorite at Bunny Ears: the sasangasana, or “rabbit pose.” Get in a kneeling position like you’re about to beg for white forgiveness, curl your body forward until your head is touching your knees, and grab your heels with your hands. Inhale, then exhale. You are not a racist. Inhale, then exhale. You have 2.5 black friends.
Find Peace Of Mind By Embracing Adversity
Buddhism teaches us that we can root out sources of stress, or dukkha, in our lives by facing problems head on. We can achieve inner calm by accepting the situation and taking charge. Let go of white guilt, let go of reparations, let go of slavery—we are all here now. White, black, red, yellow—all the beautiful, beautiful colors of the human rainbow. Achieve a middle ground with your African-American friend. Acknowledge their suffering. “Yes. We whites have done you wrong. Yes. Our troubled history can never be forgotten. But let us bury the hatchet and be one together.”
If all that fails and your African-American friend starts raising their voice despite their best attempts, call it a day, hightail it to the nearest Starbucks, and call the police.
Eat, Pray, Jive
Food is one of the most effective tools for calming our inner storm as well as brokering peace. Mid-argument, pull out your homemade organic Thai red curry and have lunch. Arguments are hard work, so bring enough coconut water to keep your African-American friend hydrated while they patiently walk you through why you’re still wrong.
If this gesture of kindness somehow offends and enrages your African-American friend, don’t panic. Remember that scene from Jurassic Park 3 when Grant slowly puts the stolen velociraptor eggs on the ground and the raptors pick them up and take off? Do that, but with your eco-friendly BPA-free water bottle, saying “Whoa, man, I don’t want no trouble.” Once you’re at a safe distance, hightail it to the nearest Starbucks and call the police.
Anyone can do hypnotherapy, and it doesn’t take much work to achieve incredible results. Start by explaining to your African-American friend what their problems are in great, extensive detail. “Why must you see skin color? We live in a post-race world.” Then, offer a palatable solution. “There’s a Panda Express, Sbarro, El Pollo Loco, and P.F. Chang’s all sitting next to each other on the same block. That’s diversity!” Through repetition and guided conditioning of both the mind and body, you can successfully help your African-American friend to realize that they were the real racist after all.