Culinary Experiments That Are Also Depressing Thought Experiments

October 12, 2018 by
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You know what they say: Candy is dandy, but the call of the void will send you spiraling down into an existential crisis. No matter how much you try to avoid it, there will be times in your life when you’ll question the meaning of everything and, indeed, the very nature of the universe. So you might as well get it out of the way in a form that also lets you eat it. Here are some of history’s most unanswerable questions disguised as deliciously distracting food.

The Cheesecake of Theseus

Start with a basic cheesecake recipe. Use the one on the back of the Philadelphia Cream Cheese package or honestly whichever one you want—it doesn’t matter. (Bunny Ears Exclusive Tip: Nothing matters.) For a healthy twist, switch out the cream cheese for cottage cheese. Then, use chia seeds in the place of the traditional graham cracker crust. Keep substituting until no original ingredient remains. Bake at 350 degrees for 20 minutes or until golden brown. Enjoy while contemplating whether this is actually still a cheesecake.

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Granola Bites in a Box

Gather up a variety of really disgusting bite-sized objects—a lump of salt, a cat turd, a piece of lint, etc. Cover each one in honey and granola. Bake at 350 degrees for 20 minutes or until golden brown. Put each one in a box and hand them out to your friends. Tell them the filling is a newly-discovered superfood proven to enhance mood and memory. Get disillusioned with humanity as they all agree that it tastes sweet yet tart and that they can already feel their energy increasing.

The Sundae Problem

Scoop several cups of vegan vanilla ice cream into an old jar of jelly that you barely even washed. Build an elaborate pulley system ending in a bucket filled with five kinds of chocolate suspended over the ice cream. Consider whether to pull the lever and feel terrible about all those child slaves who died harvesting that chocolate (which will completely cancel out the vegan ice cream, morally and calorically), or do nothing and eat shitty ice cream. In the end, decide to just drink the bucket.

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Schrodinger’s Cookies

Buy a tube of Toll House Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough. Try to resist the urge to just eat the whole thing raw. Fail to resist the urge to just eat the whole thing raw, return to the bodega, and buy more Toll House Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough. Preheat your oven to 350 degrees. Roll the cookie dough into one-inch round balls and place at least two inches apart on a greased baking sheet. Insert into oven. Wait 20 minutes. Consider that, until you open the oven, the cookies both are and are not golden brown. Refuse to open the oven, preferring the unknowable nature of existence to superficial answers. Stand idly by while your house and everything inside it burns down. Just burn it all down.

Images: Pixabay, Pixabay, Pixabay


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