I Smoked Weed for the First Time and It Changed My Life (and Yours)

There will be joy. Oh yes, there will be joy.

Many secrets were revealed to me the day I first held my joint aloft, inhaled and said, “By the power of 4:20!” Or was that a cartoon? Doesn’t matter. As I have now come to realize, cartoons contain deeply embedded truths woven from the fabric of time and space. Which is all one organism. But I’m getting ahead of myself.

The day I first inhaled the fumes of the sativa leaf, or as I have come to know it, the “truth-unmasking vapor,” began like any other. I arose bright and early at 1 p.m., browsed the online job listings and yelled at people who are wrong on Facebook for maybe two hours after that. I walked down to the local dispensary, where, due to changed California law, all purchases are now quasi-legal. I’d been meaning to try the experience for a long time, but I just never got around to it, and somehow when I tell people that, they just laugh and say it’ll be perfect for me. I still don’t know why.

I came home with one joint, sparked up, and breathed deeply. The first breath of my rebirth into knowledge. Soon thereafter came the hunger… for more thoughts, insights, and everything the universe could teach me. But more immediately, for Corn Pops. As the small, yellow, boulder-like cereal pieces fell into the milk, I thought upon the landslides and tectonic shifts that gave birth to our world as we know it. I mused upon the sweetness of flavor, borne of corn syrup. Corn, sweetened by corn? How advanced was this crop that it could distill its own flavor-enhancer? How superior would we be as humans if we could sweat human syrup? And what does this mean for the versatility of corn itself? Could we make plastics from it? Adhesives? Fabrics? Biofuel? I have seen this future, and we can. The world will change once everybody knows. And oops… I just revealed it. I am the vessel.

Determined to put my new plant-based insights to the test, I was stopped in my path–literally–by my shoes. They were unlaced. And get this: to change that state of being, you must intertwine two paths, make a loop (symbolizing unending time), wrap around that loop in mimickry of a human lifespan through infinite time, and then pull it through, in a final move that represents the transcendence from a corporeal vessel to an eternal soul’s life everlasting. What I realized about the universe while tying my shoes was arguably the greatest experience of enlightenment in my life. Besides that time I asked my wife to marry me, I guess.

Feeling as though I was being watched by the unyielding eye of the cosmos, I turned around to see my shelf full of Funko Pop figures. All staring. All unblinking. The universe is waiting to see what YOU are going to do, and this became clear. This was Funko’s plan all along: to provide that level of knowledge and make it come to you organically, rather than in a proprietary scripture. As I ran my fingers across their smooth faces, I realized just how many hands had to provide the color and texture and deep, dark gravity wells of their eyes to ensure that I, personally, would have this experience today. And then share it with you.

My mind now open to the possibilities, I quickly sought the source of a strange odor percolating through my hallway. Following it to the emanation point, I perceived my cat’s litter box in a whole new light. For what are zen sand gardens if not litter boxes raked with more intellectual claws? What are the rocks but turds that have hardened over millennia?

There was nothing else to do but race across my apartment at what felt like infinite miles per hour through an endless corridor filled with water. If one inhalation brought on so many realizations, imagine what another could do! I lit the joint again…

Image: Flickr/Kevin Reese