The Five Best Household Accessories to Discreetly Hide Your Weed

September 7, 2022 by , featured in Health
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With medical marijuana legalized in 29 states and recreational marijuana legalized in 9 states as of 2018, it’s only a matter of time before this article is laughably irrelevant, if not outright fucking stupid. But since weed is still illegal in a lot of places, you can’t just keep your weed out in the open these days. What if your roommate kills someone in your shared kitchen? YOU MIGHT GO TO JAIL FOR WEED, YOU LAZY IDIOT!

But if you’re reading this, and I’m assuming you are, you’re probably in one of those places, and you’re looking for new places to hide your weed. Luckily, Bunny Ears has five phenomenal solutions for places to discreetly store your ganja so that the feds and the narcs and your grandmother don’t find your hollowed-out Bible again. So throw out your rocks, statues, and cigar boxes, and blaze up a brighter future with these household accessories to keep your weed safe and sound.

Menagerie of Mason Jars

hide your weedPrioritizing quantity over quality, the best-laid plans are those that involve hundreds of fucking mason jars. Filling your home from floor to ceiling with mason jars that you can fill with all manners of weird shit, like paprika and dirt and spiders, there’s no way anyone will be able to find the one with your weed in it. Just make sure that you’re able to distinctly mark the one storing your pot, or else you’ll be accidentally smoking up tealight candles and rancid piss like every other nerd with a collection of mason jars.

Stuffed ‘Gator

hide your weed

As a longtime advocate of taxidermy, it’s simply too difficult to hide your Mary Jane inside living alligators anymore. But in 2018, who in the world is going to get close enough to a stuffed ‘gator to see if it’s alive or not, let alone check it for your weed? It may not be cost-effective, but if you keep that sucker in a dark, small room, it’s one of the best investments you can make. So stock up on some dead, toothy reptilian friends and give your pot a cold-blooded hiding spot.

Light-Up Rock ‘N Roller Coaster Replica Set

hide your weed

Are you one of those psychopaths with full-on town or railroad replicas like Alec Baldwin in Beetlejuice? Is your regular marijuana smoking the one thing keeping you from running through the streets naked with a butcher’s knife? Good news: you can build an entire 1:32 scale replica of the Rock ‘n’ Roller Coaster Starring Aerosmith, from Disney’s Hollywood Studios to your Billiards Room! As this model replica emits shining neon lights and blares the guitar-shredding of Joe Perry all day and night, any potential DEA agents will be rocking out way too hard to find the weed you’re hiding in the 2FAST4U car replica. Love in an Elevator? More like Sticky Icky in a Roller Coaster, baby!

Live Performance Art Exhibit Featuring Tilda Swinton

hide your weed

In 2013, Tilda Swinton slept in a glass box inside the Museum of Modern Art. Well, if you love weed and really wanna show MOMA who’s boss, you can hide your weed under a sleeping Tilda Swinton next to your XBOX! Even if you had full plants growing behind her in unobstructed view, who is going to try to get into a box with a sleeping Tilda Swinton? That’s like jumping into lion’s den at the zoo. Only those who can earn her trust will live to get high another day.

Mountain of Cocaine

hide your weed

Let’s roleplay, shall we? It’s 4/20. You walk into an apartment. You take a second to drink in the surroundings. What’s the absolute last place you would expect someone to find weed? That’s right: under a mountain of cocaine. It’s almost too smart. Who is going to start digging around in a coke mountain that’d make Tony Montana weep bitch tears for some sweet cheeb? The drug police? I’d like to see them fucking try, not with all this cocaine lying around the place. If hiding weed was a competition, this household item is going to get you the blue ribbon! Or should I say… green ribbon?!

IMAGES: Walt Disney World, Flickr

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  1. Keep your stash inside you, always. Playing Toejam and Earl on Sega Genesis? Keep your stash inside you. Watching The Pagemaster? Keep your stash inside you. Making Ore Ida Bagel Bites? Keep your stash inside you. Working a shift as a barista at the local Starbucks? Keep it inside you. Sitting in class? You guessed it, keep your stash inside you.

    The only time your stash should not be inside you is when you are making love and/or using the bathroom. During these moments, which should be brief, keep your stash in an opaque bottle of hair conditioner. I prefer Tresemme Boutique Nourish and Replenish.

    Immediately after you tidy yourself up, which I hope includes a hot shower, place your stash back inside you.

    Happy 4/20

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