I Went On A Rose Petals Cleanse, And Gained The Ability To See Fairy Folk
I’ve tried plenty of detoxes—the juice cleanse, the yogurt cleanse, the ranch dressing cleanse—but no matter what I tried, I couldn’t transcend this stubborn human dimension. Until now, that is. I’ve been on the rose petals cleanse for at least three months, though time has become somewhat a moot concept now that I partially inhabit the land of the fairies.
The fairy kingdom revealed itself to me after only about a month. At first, my visions of the blessed realm were foggy and incomprehensible, but soon enough, the gossamer curtains that separate our worlds parted, allowing me entrance. I could just about see the face of the fairy queen when my vision turned to black and I woke up in the hospital.
Starvation-induced amnesia is just some quackery the doctors try to sell you on so you’ll start poisoning yourself with “real food.” I’m sure they’re in the pocket of Big Fruit. I’m sorry, but if I was so unhealthy, would my bowel movements be as clear as a mountain spring? Admission to Her Royal Wingedness’s court is far from the only benefit of the rose petal cleanse! My skin is clear, my energy is through the roof, and I haven’t felt so euphoric since that nice man gave me those ambiguous herbs at Burning Man. Ditch those unnecessary “carbs” and “proteins,” because rose petals are the only nutrition you need. They’re 95% water, so you’ll be well-hydrated, and they contain trace amounts of vitamins, which add up after you eat your seventh bucket of daily rose petals.
Sure, rose petals can seem bland after eating them exclusively, but you can always wake up your palate with some rosé. Who knew rose juice could have such a kick? After adding rosé to my rose cleanse, I can see the Faerie Court with even greater clarity. There sits the Queen, resplendent in a gown sewn from crystalline spider web. Her eyes glitter like an eternity of stars, and her diaphanous wings catch rays of sunlight. Her throne is a glowing, prismatic toadstool, bathing everything in a kaleidoscope of colors that go beyond our bland, mortal rainbows. The Faerie Queen says that one day I, too, may earn a pair of glorious wings, if I am loyal and pledge to complete a variety of tasks for Her Highness. I have already stapled a number of flies and beetles to my wall in accordance to her wishes, and I’m currently on a secret mission to capture a bird and interrogate it until it divulges its secrets.
My time in the fairy kingdom is steadily growing longer in duration. I now see fairy messengers wherever I go. Any common household object, such as a whisk, can suddenly reveal itself to be a fairy in disguise. Human faces look strange and alien to me. I no longer crave the warm touch of a lover, only the cold beauty of the fairy queen’s court. My teeth have started to fall out. Doctors claim this is due to severe malnutrition, but I know the truth: These teeth are being taken away by fairy servants as royal tribute. Soon, my debts to the queen will be paid and she will allow me to join her court, where I will laugh and rollick around with all the pixie maidens and—oop, there goes another tooth! Another molar for your royal coffers, my Queen!