A Quick Start Guide To Setting Up A Private Game Preserve

Hunting is one of the greatest sports that unathletic rich people can engage in, but it can become a real hassle. You have to constantly worry about a laundry list of pesky regulations, all seemingly designed to keep you from killing to your heart’s desire. Well, where’s the fun in engaging in a sport if “The Man” gives you so many rules to follow? And what’s the use of having friends and relatives in Congress if they can’t cut you a break and let you shoot something in the face without so much hand-wringing oversight?

Luckily, there is a way around these fun-destroying roadblocks, a path worn through the thicket of government regulation by the boots of ingenuity and the machete of personal wealth – build your own hunting preserve, and keep it freshly stocked with game. Never again will you have to wait around for approval, or for your father to make local law enforcement turn the other way, to triumph over nature again and again with state-of-the-art weaponry designed to punch holes in armored steel, an element of which not a single creature on this planet is made.

“But how do I go about realizing this grand dream?” you’re probably asking. Well, we’ve got the answers to that, too. First, you need a reasonable amount of land, at least a square quarter mile for each animal you plan to stock in your preserve. This land could be the site of a failed real estate venture, the estate of a recently deceased relative, farmland you seized from a town of struggling frontiersmen, or even a plot of lush green or urban sprawl you’ve purchased for this exact purpose. Make sure the land is secure. Tall fences are a must, preferably some kind of dense steel mesh or crowded iron bars that make it difficult for prying eyes to see what you’re doing and come in to slap you with some bleeding-heart fines. A dome is also not out of the question.

Now that you’ve got your preserve, you need to fill it with game. You could hire an experienced hunter to do this for you, but conventional wisdom dictates that you conduct business with these fellows at a non-incriminating arm’s length, and we’ve found that hunters with the most impressive records in this particular area also come with a considerable amount of legal “heat.” The only other option is to trap the game yourself, which may seem daunting at first, but don’t be discouraged! Many of you will probably discover you have a latent talent for it, and odds are some of you already have experience in this area.

The easiest way to catch game is to set traps in areas where they’re likely to be found, much like how lions stalk watering holes to bring down unwary wildebeests. The most common type of trap is called the “cash grab” or “honeypot,” typically set beneath bridges, outside of convenience stores, and near VA clinics and soup kitchens. You will need to visit an ATM beforehand. The trap construction is simple – you dangle a neatly folded handful of bills outside the window of your limousine or stretch Humvee, and wait for your quarry to come wandering over. To spring the trap, simply offer the money in exchange for some service, like construction work, or sex. (In some cases, you can even disclose your true intent to hunt them in a gaming preserve.) You may also wish to bring along a giant burlap sack in the event that the trap fails to spring correctly. Then simply load the game in your car and release them into your preserve. Repeat this process until you have a handsome collection of potential trophies at your fingertips, and the game is afoot!*

*Please note we are not responsible for any injuries that may occur should any heavily muscled game with a European accent happen to escape your preserve and front kick you into a rotary harvester with a live grenade in your pants.