Embrace EarthBound Therapy: Kill All The Neighborhood Pets
Summer is well underway … and fall is just around the corner. Which means it’s almost time for a fresh new wellness routine now that the last one has lost its novelty. And good news! We’ve managed to stumble across a new potential source of inner truth inside a 25-year-old Nintendo game. We’re calling it EarthBound therapy, and it involves killing neighborhood pets.
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Most Nintendo aficionados will likely remember EarthBound, the role-playing game where in which you needed to defeat the evil alien force Giygas … and you had to kill a heck of a lot of animals in the process. And remember the sense of satisfaction and self-worth you got from toasting things like crocodiles, spiders, and wolves? Why not bring that same sense of purpose into the real world by killing your neighbor’s pets (because realistically, they’re the easiest animals to find). It’s simple logic.
Plus, consider your neighbor’s tacky eyesore of an outdoor koi pool. Send it straight to Better Homes and Gardens hell! What about all those inbred purse dogs that bark all night? The neighborhood is about to get a lot quieter, which will help you get more REM sleep. It’s a win-win. Well, not for your neighbors or their pets. But for you!
And if randomly killing other people’s pets for your own sense of self-fortification feels extreme, try getting yourself in the right head space beforehand. Take a few moments to meditate/imagine that everyone and everything around you is possessed by Giygas, the extraterrestrial force of evil. You are the only thing stopping Giygas from enslaving the planet, and he operates through …. yes, Jerry’s Pomeranian. And quite possibly Don’s Corgi. And definitely through Carol’s parakeet. Just you and a trusty baseball bat (or whatever you want, go nuts!) stand between Giygas and the end of the world as we know it.
You’re going to feel so, so good.
