When To Tell Your Kids That Santa Died From Autoerotic Asphyxiation

December 3, 2019 by , featured in Parenting
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Kris Kringle. Father Christmas. Saint Nick. Chances are your kids adore that jolly fat man. Unfortunately, there’s a lie baked into this particular fruitcake, and knowing when to come clean and finally have the dreaded “Santa talk” can be a real drag. Looking for a little holiday help, we asked some experts about when to admit that Santa died decades ago from autoerotic asphyxiation. Here’s what they had to say:

When to Have the “Santa Talk?”

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While many parents just let their kids find out on their own that Santa died in 1993 while choking himself out in a Bangkok flophouse, child psychologist Seth Gladstone thinks they should take a more active approach. Listen to your kids’ cues, and try to respond in kind. If they start asking about the pleasures of reaching climax with a belt around your neck, it might be time. By following their lead, you won’t ruin the fun, but you will show that you’re there for them when they’re ready to deal with the fact that Santa died on a global mission of unbridled, solo sexual pleasure

Remember That Every Child is Different

Obviously, it’s important to be careful. One parent told us she casually mentioned Santa collapsing his own windpipe while milking his candy cane, assuming her eight-year-old already knew, only to realize he had no idea. The truth of the matter is that every child is different. I personally didn’t find out until I was 27 from an uncle who claimed to know the guy who found Santa’s body, nude from the waist down and covered in his own semen and filth. There’s no right answer or perfect age.

Choose Your Words Carefully

Dr. Holt Bailey, head of the Psychosexual Department at Carnegie Mellon University, says the important thing is to not stigmatize the hot solo sex Santa was having when you finally tell them. If you make it seem like traveling to Thailand with a fake passport to explore the orgasmic ecstasy you can give your own body in the privacy of a $4-a-night fleabag hotel is wrong, they might never try it. 

In the end, it’s important to remember how it felt when you learned that jolly ol’ Saint Nick was found dead in a hotel bathroom, spanking it to reindeer porn. And while approaching it the wrong way could lead to disaster, many parents find that going through the lurid details of that humid, horny night actually brings their family closer together. Good luck!

Images: NeedPix, Pexels


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