69 Is Out. Meet 82, The New Number That Fucks
Listen up, numberfuckers. I’m the Chair of the M.I.T. Department of Sex Math, and I have an announcement. Sixty-nine has had it too nice for too long. I’m over it. We can’t allow society to be dominated by a single horned-up integer, especially not one invented by the French. The slippery slope of terror must end.
It wasn’t easy to become Sex Math Department Chair. I had to spend a lot of time Scotchgarding that chair, but now that I’m introducing a new number that fucks, the late nights and hard math are paying off. Drum roll, please! The new number that fucks is … EIGHTY-TWO.
That’s right: The sticky baton has been passed to a surprising newcomer. Lots of people assumed that the new sex number would be pi. Pi? Get the fuck out, you irrational, Stonehenge-looking asshole. Sure, we may miss out on a lot of circumference-related hand gestures, but no one wants a sex number that lasts forever. I don’t care how horny you are.
Others assumed the new sex number would be 88, which is just two pairs of boobs kind of near one another. Compelling? Yes, but also dangerous. People have to work sometime! I admit, there is something fundamentally wholesome and American about the 88, but as a country, I feel we can do better. Four boobs may be iconic, but they’re bland and unoriginal. It’s the network sitcom of sex numbers, and I’m looking for cable, baby.
So what does this decision mean for laypeople? What does an eighty-two look like? The art department is finishing the new manual as fast as they can, but they only have so much blotting paper. In general, the ample curves of the eight (work with whatever you’ve got dangling) are a perfect match for the single kink of the two. Spicy, but not overwhelming. That’s the perfect number of kinks! Limiting yourself to just one kink will also cut down on equipment costs. Don’t get me started on the number 4! I want sex math to be accessible to everyone, not just yuppies with large basements who use the word “free-spirited” way too much.
Don’t panic. You’re still allowed to say “nice” when 69 comes up. I’m not here to suck the fun or any other fluids out of conversations about classic Corvettes, Bryan Adams songs, or the number of faves on your thirst traps. There’s no sex math police (yet). So what do you do or say when someone says “eighty-two”? We’re still nailing down general etiquette, but until the Sex Number Committee reaches an official decision, you’re encouraged to try the following:
- Whisper “a-ooga”
- Wink first with one eye, then the other
- Floss (dance move or dental care procedure)
- Exclaim “nicer!”
We’ll get back to you. In the meantime, grab a pocket protector and get out there, you horny bastards.