How To Make Sure Your Neighbors Notice Your Secret Sex Dungeon
We here at Bunny Ears find it difficult to fathom how, in this day and age, people aren’t more curious about other people’s sexual activities. The entire idea of “what others do is none of my business” has become a sickness, zombifying people into ignoring the hard work and money others put into their sex lives. Not a week goes by without someone glazing over at the mention of our marvelous Fitness Sex Club. It’s also shocking how few people wish to listen to Lydia’s heart-warming tales of sleeping with boring people. Does nobody care about anyone’s sex life anymore?
This blatant apathy needs to end. It’s appalling to think that we spend millions of dollars on our glorious sex dungeons, just to keep them hidden from society. And by society, we of course mean our neighbors; our prudish, sexually frustrated neighbors, who by the way can clearly do with some time on a sex swing.
Perhaps you, too, have neighbors like ours, who need to see your sex dungeon. There are so many ways to make sure your sex-poor neighbors are fully aware of your secret sex dungeon! After all, you paid a hell of a lot for that privilege.
Give Them The Grand Tour But Keep A Sense Of Mystery
Sex and fantasies go together like crystal dildos and lube. Keep that in mind when you invite your neighbors over for a luncheon that’s just an excuse to make them aware of your scintillating sex dungeon. Give them a tour of your lovely home, and make sure you pass the door that leads down to your incredible cave of copulation. Don’t be direct, though, simply comment on how the room behind that magnificently expensive agar wood door is by far your favorite place to “connect with others.”
If your neighbors insist on knowing what’s inside, feed their curiosity with mysterious tales of newly discovered sounds and sweet, salty scents. Be all bluebeard about it and leave the key in the door lock. When it comes to curiosity, people can’t seem to help themselves.
Mention Celebrities Who Frequently Visit Your Humble Abode
Name dropping always works, but make sure it’s realistic so your neighbors will buy it. Mention people like Leonardo DiCaprio, or Cher.
Maybe the Obamas.
Cordon Off Your Entire Street For A “Private Party”
Following your wildly entertaining luncheon, you might have converted one or two of your more open-minded neighbors, but the rest will most likely play ignorant by keeping their lips tight and their eyes averted. Now is the time to pull out the old “you’re not invited” card and throw a lavish event in your room of raunchiness. Make sure your guests park at the very bottom of the street so they can walk all the way up to your house, their half-naked attire in full view of your sexually barren neighbors.
Tap Into People’s Voyeurism
It’s a known fact that there’s a voyeur in all of us, and we could find no rule in the Book of The Ancient Art of Sex Dungeons that says you can’t move your sacred space of shtupping to a more visible location. During the warmer months, combine your full moon ritual with your weekly sex orgy by hosting the event in your garden. Trim the hedges and install some floodlights for maximum visibility.
Another way to make sure your neighbors notice your chamber of choking Allowed is by turning it into a sex attic, so to speak. Fit the top floor of your six story home with nothing but glass panes, and move your dungeon up and into the eyesight of everyone in a half mile radius.
It would also make for some spectacular sunset swing sex photographs.
Install A Proper Sound System
If your sexually numb neighbor keeps pretending your glorious grotto of grope ‘n’ rope doesn’t exist, make sure they can at least hear the heavenly sounds originating from your auditorium of anal awareness. Hire a top class DJ to mix the sounds of your sexcapades with some sweet, saucy tunes, and blast it to your entire neighborhood.
Heck, go ahead and produce a whole album! You can give your neighbors a copy each come Christmas.
Katie Goldin’s Golden Rules
Weekly comics from the mind of Bunny Ears writer Katie Goldin. They're weird, they're funny, and they're always so pretty! The Goldin Rules…