We are acupuncture diehards. We even have an on-site acupuncturist here in the Bunny Ears offices named Jennifer Chen (hi Jen!) ready to skewer our allergies away with a precise strike to our acupoints at the first sign of a runny nose.
So we brought her into our usual Tuesday ayahuasca editorial meeting to pitch her an idea: Theoretically, wouldn’t a bed of nails maximize the effect of acupuncture? Jen says “no, God no,” but we won’t let that stop us from making her and five other licensed acupuncturists sleep on a bed of nails for a night to confirm or deny but mostly confirm that we have indeed changed the ancient art of acupuncture forever.
Here’s what they had to say…
This is so incredibly stupid. I can’t even believe these hallucinating morons thought this was a good idea. Look, I know some people think acupuncture is a bunch of hooey. Others say it makes them feel better. To each their own. But this is just lying on long, rusty roofing nails. It hurts. They told me that the trick is to distribute my weight as widely as I can to lessen the discomfort. That much is true. The rest is bullshit, and I’m definitely gonna get tetanus. Fuck these people. Fuck every one of them. I don’t even care if this gets me fired. I quit.
Acupuncture needles are usually inserted to a depth of a quarter-inch to a half-inch. Pretty sure a couple of these punctured a kidney. Plus, acupoints are supposed to be swabbed with alcohol. I had a quarter bottle of Jack Daniels splashed on my back before I was pushed onto the bed of nails, which was not conducive to cultivating a state of relaxation and healing.
A pillow would’ve been nice. The AC was blasting which made the nails super cold. I was freezing. And sleeping on my back the entire night suuucked because I’m a belly sleeper through and through. Sleeping on my back gives me nightmares. Turndown service also would’ve been appreciated but that would imply the bed of nails had a comforter. It didn’t. It’s like you guys didn’t even try. If this were a hotel on Trip Advisor, I’d leave the nastiest review.
Oh God yes. Oh, oh, yes. Jesus Christ. This is hitting all my good acu-spots. I asked them if they had another bed of nails they could lay on top of me to make a bed of nail sandwich where I was the meat. I needed my front buttons pushed just as good as my back ones. I needed some smushin’ between those spiky pincushions. Mm-hm. I was a good smushed stack of wet ham between those sharp metal buns, yes sir.
I absolutely need this treatment in my clinic before people realize their back pain or leukemia can be treated with $7 worth of materials from Home Depot.
[EDITOR’S NOTE: Due to severe blood loss, Paola was unable to write a response. But we think it’s safe to say she loved it.]