The Best Cakes To Smash Into Your Face When Trying To Fool A Social Worker
As many of you surely know, it’s not easy stuffing yourself into a lumpy bodysuit shaped like a 70-year-old woman—let alone applying a wig, dentures, and a custom-made face mask every time a court-appointed social worker shows up at your door for her biweekly inspection. However, the solution is simple! Smash a cake directly into your face in order to conceal your identity and keep up this complicated (and frankly, insane) ruse just a little longer.
We know there are a ton of cakes to choose from, so we’ve provided the below handy list to help you narrow it down. With these cakes on your face, your social worker will never know you’re a 40-something-year-old man with no job and a deep love for his children.
Lemon Meringue Cake
While technically a pie, we’re leading with this one because the cloud-like meringue makes for an incredibly soft landing for your face as you dive right into it, just in the nick of time. The lemon scent will also trick the social worker’s brain into thinking your place is lemony fresh and clean.
Not only will chocolate frosting mask your manly features, but cocoa is a natural anti-inflammatory, so it will calm the redness from all the crying you’ve been doing over the loss of your family.
This cake has got depth, which means you can really push into it without fear of getting hit in the face by a hard layer of toffee brittle or risk Oreo crumbs in your eye. Feel free to go deep and even let out a scream; cheesecake will muffle the sound!
Vanilla Sheet Cake
This cake is easy to find at almost any grocery store, making it affordable for sad dads without careers. A large sheet cake also allows for multiple uses. You may even have some left over from that birthday party you threw your son which was the inciting incident for your divorce! Also consider getting a cake with sprinkles to dress up your look and prove to the social worker that you’re a woman who likes to sparkle, and most definitely not a pathetic heterosexual man.
Red Velvet Cake
Like your divorce, this cake doesn’t make any fucking sense. Why is it red? And cream cheese belongs on a bagel, not a cake. There’s no need to eat this one, so you might as well make use of it. Just try not to let the romantic color remind you of the first time you told your now ex-wife you loved her.