We all assume that the toilet seat is “the dirtiest thing in the home,” and that totally makes sense. After all, the toilet is where the pee-pee and poops leave your body, and the seat part of the toilet is where your icky butt touches.
But here’s the thing about toilet seats: They’re not all that dirty. Only your fanny cheeks touch that surface, not so much your germ-riddled feces. Unfortunately, a household is still basically just a big pile of invisible germs. A toilet seat might not be that infested, but there are tons of things in your house that are. Grab the bleach!
A TV Remote Control
You touch that thing throughout an entire evening of channel-surfing, which is also when you freely scratch and touch your junk and butthole because that’s just how you relax. Your junk and butthole are filthy, and you get all their germs all over the remote control. Not so relaxing now, is it?
Also, remember that one time you couldn’t sleep, so you watched T.V. until like 3:00 A.M., and that’s when the burglar broke into your house, but you fought him off with the only weapon you could grab, your TV remote control? You jammed it into his mouth until he choked and died. Burglar mouths are filthy.
Which is encrusted with more potentially deadly germs: real poop or fake poop? The truth: They’re about the same. That hunk of fake poop your weird friend, Jeremy, got at that crappy tourist town gift shop last summer boasts as many germs per square inch as Jeremy’s actual feces. That’s because Jeremy doesn’t “believe in toilet paper” and rarely washes his hands, then he puts that plastic poo everywhere to try to “prank” you. The real prank here is the E. coli that will probably kill you and Jeremy before long.
The Outside Of A Bottle Of Soap
The most virulent, disease-causing germs in all of the natural world are risk-takers with little concern for their own safety. They like to crawl up to the little spout where the germ-killing soap comes out and stare into it, because for them, this is the abyss, the very edge of death itself. It thrills them.
Dog Food Bowls
You probably wash your dishes after just a single use, but how often do you clean the bowls from which your little pupper eats her yum-yums? Probably not often, and dogs drool their germs on them, which just propagate and go right back into your pet’s mouth. Then they lick your face. Those bowls are also where your brilliant scientist dog, Dr. Bella, does her genius experiments, and while she’s almost figured out how to turn her own solid waste into a renewable fuel source, she somehow hasn’t figured out how to work the dishwasher.
Your Private Sewage Treatment Facility
Everybody said you were crazy when you decided to “go off the grid” and build your own sewage treatment plant in the basement. What’s truly crazy is that the neighbors pay $8 to the city each month for what you get for free. Still, all those pipes full of your family’s feces are just not clean, buddy.
The Realm Of The Piss Demon
So many people got rid of their cats when they heard litter boxes can spread toxoplasmosis. Ironically, the pet so many substituted—a piss demon, conjured from what is believed to be Satan’s personal latrine in the deepest bowels of the underworld—is actually far more germ-infested. This little creature is made almost entirely out of piss, of course, but did you know that when it screeches its blood-curdling screech each dawn and dusk, it sends millions of toxoplasmosis spores into the air, which land not only in their realm but yours?
The Secret Second Toilet Seat You Hide Behind The Toilet
What are you even doing?