How I Used The Hinge App To Find The Smartest, Most Successful Exes

Dating apps are the only reason anyone I know is gainfully married, so one day, I decided to get in front of the camera and really go for it. I took the best pictures of myself, made sure I had great outfits on, and got ready for an exciting, fulfilling, intimate, and very temporary relationship with the person of my immediate dreams. I was finally ready for Hinge.

Throughout my travels, I’ve managed to find the smartest, hottest, most successful exes using the Hinge dating app. Based on my experience, there are hard rules (no exceptions) on exactly how to catch the absolute perfect, most brilliantly driven person and then break up with them immediately. Here, Warren, my advice on how to use Hinge.

Step One: Write Your Profile

Remember the cardinal rules of making an online dating profile. These are basics, but just in case you’re a beginner to dating app profiles, here they are:

• Make sure to take as many group pictures as you can. Post them all up front, and use a lot of the same people in them, so the picture could be about absolutely anyone on Earth. This will show them that you have friends.
• Treat the first and sometimes only communication you’re going to have with the person you can potentially spend an entire week with as a vision board. Tell people what you want, play games, and under no circumstances should you disclose any useful, interesting, or unique information about yourself.
• Take pictures with dogs you don’t own, don’t show your whole body, and lie about your height. Keep ’em guessing!

Step Two: Match With Everybody

Do your best to match with absolutely everybody on the app. Do this compulsively, almost like it’s your job, and never stop. Tap around their pictures, and send them a “like” for a photograph that shows off their body, not their interests. Always like ’em all. Every. Single. Person. Even (and especially) people who you’re not remotely interested in. Also, when you match and they ask you about yourself, don’t answer questions. Everyone hates that.

Step Three: When You Get A Match, Respond Immediately With One Word, Then Follow Up Constantly

Always respond monosyllabically when you do at all, and if they don’t respond, make sure to check in, because they’re probably worried about you. Check in regularly to let them know you can take care of yourself. Use the A.M.A.P. (“as much as possible”) method.

Step Four: When They “Switch To Text,” Make Sure To Get Real Gross

This is your chance to start demanding the love you’ve earned after talking about God knows what for however many idle weeknights in a row. Make sure to get to the point where you’re, for some reason, before you even meet, saying goodnight to each other. Always be the first to say goodnight, because that is always where the conversation ends. People love this.

Step Five: Cancel Two Dates Before Going On Your First

Play hard-to-get by canceling a date the day after you agree on it. After you promise the next one will happen, cancel again, but wait until the day it’s supposed to happen. One person has even reported that their Hinge date canceled and then blocked them while she was waiting for their table at the restaurant they agreed to meet. Take notes, people!

Bunny Ear Exclusive Tip: Either bring up Rick And Morty or talk about your dog constantly. One conversation isn’t enough—-make the entire night about your dog. No dog? See step one! And if they don’t like Rick And Morty, grill them on exactly why they do or don’t like it, and know that you are correct.

Step Six: After Your First Date, Become Inexplicably Distant

Now’s the time to finally be honest. React as if you’ve been dealing with their guff for years instead of weeks, and let them know how you really feel by only responding to but not starting conversations.

Step Seven: Go On A Second Date, Get Yours, But Then Be Even More Distant

After you’re finally done depleting this other human being of every emotional natural resource available to them and the people they love (whom they’ve told about you already, ugh), detach completely from the situation and start again.

Step Eight: Follow The Last Person On Instagram

To make sure that this person never badmouths you around town, follow and occasionally like their Instagram photos.

Step Nine: Start Talking To Someone New, But Tell The Last Person You Love Them In Two Weeks

This is when you finally start talking to someone new. That was exhausting! Back to step two.

Now’s the time to really leave your mark, because you miss 100% of the chances you don’t take, so just put it out there in an Instagram D.M. “I love you.” Do this via D.M. because you should have deleted their number by now so that if they ever text you, you can pull a baller move and ask “Who’s this?” after this person let you into their home and body.

Boom! The perfect Hinge relationship, which will undoubtedly lead to more exes than you can count. You’re welcome.

Image: Pexels