Stone Cold Steve Austin Ruined My Backyard BBQ

I’ll admit I had some reservations about inviting Stone Cold Steve Austin to my summer barbecue. The guy always seemed a little rough around the edges. I wasn’t sure how he’d get along with my friends. Well, let me tell you—all my fears were justified because he totally ruined it!

He Startled All My Guests When He Arrived

We were all sitting out on the deck, feet up, waiting for the coals to get hot, when all of a sudden, we hear a shattering of broken glass. I knew it meant Stone Cold was here, but Deborah was so startled she spilled her cherry marg, and it’s definitely going to seep into the wood (which really is my fault—I knew I shouldn’t have put off staining the deck).

He Drank All My Beer

I like to be hospitable, so yeah, I bought a lot of beer for everyone. But Stone Cold? He drank it all. And I’m not being hyperbolic. He literally stood over my cooler and opened beer after beer, two at a time, and smashed them together before pouring them into his mouth. I don’t even think he drank very much—it all just kind of ran down his chin?

That said, in Stone Cold’s defense, he did replenish a lot of it by holding up his hand and having beers tossed to him from God only knows where.

He Kept Interrupting Todd’s Story

Stone Cold kept going “What?” when Todd was trying to tell us about his new boss who doesn’t know how to use the coffee maker. And I had been waiting all week to hear about Todd’s new boss who doesn’t know how to use the coffee maker!

He Stunned Everyone

Now this is just unacceptable. I don’t care who you are—no one gives my friends a boot to the gut followed by the Stone Cold Stunner! Poor Deborah was sipping her second cherry marg when he got her, and she spat it out all over the other side of my deck!

He Sold His Soul to The Devil Himself

After a few beers, I finally worked up the nerve to confront Stone Cold about his behavior. But then, wouldn’t you know it, Vince McMahon of all people ran out and threw Stone Cold a steel chair. Then Stone Cold hit me with that steel chair over 16 times and shook hands with Vince McMahon over my broken and bloody body. I just can’t believe how incredibly uncool it was for Stone Cold to invite his friend to my barbecue without even asking.

He Screamed “And That’s The Bottom Line, ‘Cuz Stone Cold Said So,” Hopped on an ATV, And Left

That said, I’d rather Mr. Austin do that than do what my buddy Marty did and leave without saying goodbye.

Images: Unsplash/WWE