How Well Hung Should I Make My Anatomically Correct Gingerbread Men?
It’s an age-old question that comes up every holiday season when you gather in the kitchen with your loved ones: “How well hung should I make my anatomically correct gingerbread men?” Should your little guy’s little guy be delicate and dainty like the dong on a Renaissance sculpture, or should it be as girthy as the tube of cookie dough from which he was birthed?
What Is “Too Big,” Anyway?
We’re of the opinion that there’s no such thing as “too big.” After all, if you can’t finish the gingerbread dong yourself, you can always share! ‘Tis the season for giving, after all. Just find someone close to you, and go to town on either end of that ginger knob like y’all are in Lady and the Tramp.
Of course, a gingerbread man with a cartoonishly enormous penis might intimidate the men in your family, and even some of the women. We totally get it. In those instances, feel free to lovingly craft a more modest confectionary dangle—just don’t think it’s an excuse to skimp on the details. God gave us coconut flakes for a reason, you know. And if you have time, try baking anatomically correct gingerbread women. Candied peach slices make for some festive, seasonal mistle-camel-toes.
One Last Thing
No matter how much effort you put into your cookie’s undercarriage, it will all be for nothing if your presentation is subpar. We find a few seconds in the microwave just before serving adds the appropriate touch of homespun flair, because it causes your ginger person’s junk to bubble ever-so-slightly, creating the illusion that it’s throbbing. And what’s the holiday season even about if not engorged, pulsating, edible genitals?