Lose 20 Friends with These 30-Minute Workouts
Working out sucks. It literally has the word “work” in it. Nobody likes it, but you insist on doing it in a group anyway, so at least let your friends suffer for as little time as possible. They will still hate you, though, so make that time count.
Did you know that if you work out for 10 minutes once every hour for three hours, you will have spent a total of 30 minutes exercising? It’s math. It’s easier to do 10 minutes of work than 30, so it tricks you into thinking you’re doing less, not that your friends will appreciate it when you interrupt meals, meetings, and horror movies to insist that everyone do some lunges.
You can exercise all you want, but if all you’re eating is food that tastes good, you won’t see results, so don’t neglect your diet! The best diet for ensuring the loss of friends is onions. Just straight onions. Chomping down on one of Satan’s apples will not only make your breath reek, it’ll make your sweat smell! Combined with hourly workouts, you will never have to be a bridesmaid again.
Cracking One Out
Farting is your body’s natural response to working hard and also all those onions, so let ‘er rip! The harder your body is working, the more calories you are burning, and farting itself burns calories. Don’t be ashamed! Release them proudly! Fart so deep that you have to hold onto your kitchen table for support. If you’re lactose intolerant, get some dairy in there. No pain, no loss!
Will smoking crack make you healthier? No. Oh, boy, will it not. But you will lose weight and friends, and it hardly takes any time at all. You can do it while you watch Netflix. It’s hard to find a crackhead who’s chubby, and it’s even harder to find a crackhead with a bunch of friends. Heck, even your family might cut you off over this. What do you have to lose except everything?