I, Quarog The World Eater, Must Have Plant Milk
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I, Quarog The World Eater, Must Have Plant Milk

Hello, people of Earth who read of BunnyEars.com. I know there have been a lot of questions since I, Quarog The World Eater, appeared in the space that surrounds your planet, blocking several continents from the Sun and greatly disrupting your tides.

Oops.

I sent before me my herald, but apparently, his instructions were misunderstood, so I have decided that this fine website is the best way to clear up any miscommunications I’ve had with the people of Earth. Do not fret, for I will be answering all of your questions here, like …

Are You Going To Eat Our World?

I can see where that might be a concern for you. Did you know eating worlds is actually very unhealthy? You would be surprised how many calories are in a planet. My wife Lindsey The Universe Crusher (yes, she kept her maiden name, it’s star date 47634.44, get with the times) was getting pretty concerned about my health, so Lindsey introduced me to plant milk. That’s why, instead of eating your entire planet, I’m just going to need you to hand over all of your plant milk.

As I said, I sent my herald several weeks ago, but when he requested all of your plant milk, your representatives (two bedraggled young male humans outside your place of worship, the “7-11”) laughed and called him a “hippie.” Do you know how hard it is to find planets with enough plant milk to sustain my mass? I’m trying here, you guys. I’m really trying not to eat your world, but you’re not giving me much choice, are you?

Help a world eater out?

Why Is Plant Milk So Much Better For You Than Eating Worlds?

Worlds contain a lot of gluten, red meat, and buildings that are difficult to digest and can be hard on the body long-term. Lindsey made me realize that I’m not going to be 30,000 years old forever and I have to think about the long-term consequences of these things on my body.

I’ve also been struggling with the ethical considerations of consuming an entire world. I recently learned that the beings on the planets I consume have thoughts and feelings of their own and may not want to be eaten. Plants are generally pretty cool with being eaten, though, according to Lindsey.

How Many Different Types Of Plant Milk Can Be Given To Quarog To Save Our Puny Planet?

Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll eat any kind of plant milk. There’s almond milk, of course. Coconut milk, rice milk, hemp milk, peanut milk, pea milk, oat milk. Basically, you can milk anything if you can crush it. There’s room for tons of variety on this diet! I mean, it’s not quite as diverse as devouring an entire ecosystem, but I find it highly satisfying, both physically and emotionally. Lindsey and I are talking about making t-shirts that say “Plants, Not Planets” and selling them on Etsy, assuming I don’t have to destroy Etsy by consuming this planet.

Pictured: The inside of my great tum-tum if you fail to surrender every plant milk.

Is it difficult to control myself sometimes? Sure, but I’ve been so good this week. I passed a ton of really tasty-looking galaxies on the way here, so maybe I should reward myself just a little bit? Surely, nibbling on one little continent wouldn’t hurt. Just don’t tell Lindsey. Shhhh. I’m so bad. No, no, I must have plant milk. I must have plant milk. I promised. Today is not my cheat day.

I can think of no better way to inform the people of Earth of my need for plant milk than Bunny Ears. This website, like, is me. It’s like Macaulay Culkin just knows my soul? What I’m trying to say is that I’m a big fan, so please don’t make me both break my diet and end all life on this planet. Please share this article to increase the number of people who know to give me all of their plant milk, or so help me Hlaflghan, I will eat the whole thing. I’m so hungry.

<3,

Q.

Images: Pixabay, PixabayPixabay, Pixabay

Lydia Bugg
Lydia Bugg

Author - Haunted

Lydia Bugg has written for Cracked.com and Themodernrogue.com. Her star sign is Leo, her spirit animal is a ghost, and her aura is millennial pink.

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