We Held A Gender Reveal Party To Reveal Gender Is A Social Construct But We Still Kept All The Presents

June 21, 2018 by , featured in Health
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My husband and I decided to throw a gender reveal party to reveal to our unwoke friends and family that gender is just a social construct. At first they were pretty confused when the gender reveal trebuchet flung only hunks of raw chicken instead of the pink or blue confetti they were promised. When I kicked over the cake and explained to them that gender is fluid, and also that we would be keeping their presents, they finally seemed to understand.

I calmly explained to my guests the difference between gender and sex as I ripped open my first present with my teeth. “What you’re actually celebrating is a baby’s sex.” I said. “A baby’s genitals determine its sex while gender is a societal construct that prescribes certain attributes and roles to people based on their genitalia. Thank you for the breast pump Kayla.”

Gender revealI pointed to a box my party planner had set in the middle of the room with “touchdowns or tutus” written on it. “Now that we have that straightened out let’s go ahead and open the box which will release a series of either pink or blue balloons to reveal my baby’s sex.” My mother approached the box apprehensively and opened it. Naturally, it was filled with an impressive amount of scary clowns who poured out into the party and began to terrorize my guests.

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“Yep, you’re still not getting it,” I sighed as I opened the next gift. “Just because we can tell a baby’s sex doesn’t mean we should celebrate it because hopefully in an ideal society it doesn’t really mean anything. Much like these menacing clowns you’ve foolishly released, gender is unpredictable and sex isn’t really a factor in it. OMG Linda this Boppy is so cuuuuute.”

“Why are you doing this?” Linda screeched.

Gender revealI opened another present as I considered my response. “Because gender reveal parties have only arisen in the last few years as people began to question their gender identities and push back against societal ideals more firmly. Sure, to most young moms, they’re just another fun party to celebrate their baby, but they’re also a way of glorifying cultural norms that are ultimately harmful to both men and women. Diapers! We’re gonna need lots of these, huh Candice? Thank you so much.”

Unfortunately, Candice couldn’t hear me because she’d already been tackled by a clown. “I mean think of some of your past party themes. Lashes or staches? Here’s some news for you, Stacey, boys have eyelashes and if your baby is born with a mustache it’s got a serious hormone disorder. Gwen, your cake said badges or bows and there was a little sheriff’s badge on it. Do you think a woman is incapable of becoming a police officer in the year of our lord 2018? Wheels or heels, Linda? Do you think women can’t drive and boys can’t wear heels? I know you’ve seen RuPauls Drag Race, Linda. What kind of post-apocalyptic landscapes do your gender reveal parties exist in?”

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I held up a sewing needle that I had been keeping in my pocket. “Ok, so now that we’re Super clear on the futility of gender roles how about we pop this black balloon and it’ll rain down glitter in the colors of my babies gender.” When no one moved to pop the balloon I smiled and clapped. “Good job everyone. FYI, the balloons are full of scorpions.”

Unfortunately right as I was congratulating them one of the scorpions must have pierced the balloon with its tail and a torrent of scorpions rained down on my gender reveal party. Luckily I was able to take cover under a super cute baby blanket that Gwen hand-knitted for me. My friends are so considerate sometimes.


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