The Bunny Ears Excruciatingly Intimate Gift Guide

Finding the perfect gift for a romantic partner can be stressful, so let Bunny Ears help with this carefully curated collection of luxury gifts for lovers! Because while the memories of words and deeds will eventually fade away, expensive material goods are forever. Just like your love should be.

1. Send Flowers—And Make Sure Everybody Knows

Bunny Ears understands that, whether it’s in the bedroom or in your branding, penetration is important. These days it’s not enough to just show your partner that you love them; you have to show their social media feeds, too. Our flower subscription service will take care of both. Every month, our in-house florist will assemble a beautiful custom bouquet intended just for your loved one, post high quality photos of the arrangement to your partner’s Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook feeds with tags like “#blessedbylove” and “bringsoutmyeyes,” then burn the bouquet to save you both the trouble of remembering to water it while it slowly withers away—and all for just $4,600 a year.

All of your partner’s followers will think you’re living an incredible life of endless romance, and you won’t even have to lift a finger (and isn’t that what love is all about?).

2. The (Sex) Emperor’s New Robe

Lingerie is for when you want to feel like you’re wearing nothing at all. But what if you’re actually wearing nothing at all, while convincing your lover that you’re draped in a luxurious robe? “I don’t see a robe, only you,” they’ll say. “That’s because you’re so in love with me that, despite the incredible fabric I’m wearing, you see and cherish what’s beneath it.” Your love will be reaffirmed and stronger than ever. A receipt stating that you really did buy an $1,800 silk robe completes the illusion, yet can be acquired from us for a mere $499.99 (and we highly recommend purchasing one for your partner as well).

3. Specially-Curated Nude Photography

Many couples invest in beautiful hardcover books of erotic photography, both to appreciate the art form and to give themselves some inspiration in the bedroom. But those giant coffee table tomes aren’t without their drawbacks. An easily embarrassed house-guest or a child full of questions might stumble across it, for example. But did you know that the internet is also full of erotic photography? It’s true!

That’s why a dedicated Bunny Ears employee peruses all the erotic photography the internet has to offer and collects the best of it in a curated newsletter you can subscribe to for only $350 a month. Between the sheer size of the internet and the private nature of the medium, erotica can be hard to find—but our service saves you from that time-consuming hassle while offering variety and discretion. Let us handle the hard part while you and your partner reap the benefits.

4. An All-Inclusive, Problem-Avoidance Trip

Even the strongest relationships go through rough patches. And while some might recommend a strong commitment to communication, therapy, and better habits, we suggest a far less challenging emotional hail Mary! And let us help you with that approach with our bespoke Venetian vacation. With packages starting from a modest $80,000, we’ll provide you and your supposed loved one with everything you need to spend a week pretending that your problems don’t exist.

A luxurious private apartment with a butler who will cater to your every whim will help you forget that your partner never helps you clean your own home, while evening trips to Venice’s most romantic restaurants and outlooks will help your partner forget that your idea of a sensual, seductive night out is to walk down the street to Papa John’s instead of having it delivered.

So let Bunny Ears rekindle the spark in your love life. At the very least, you’ll go out in a blaze.

Images: Pexels, Pixabay, Pixabay