Psst. Hey, kid. You wanna get high? You wanna do it with your vagina or butthole for some reason? Well, forget about weed tampons. What I got will make you forget you ever heard about cannabis suppositories. It’s a bag of heroin, see, but instead of putting it in your veins or up your nose or anything messy like that, you stick the entire enclosed bag in your vagina or butthole. Then you get on a plane.
On the street, they call it “muling,” because of some long forgotten joke about donkeys and heroin. The name’s not important. Don’t get hung up on the name.
Getting on the plane is super important. I know you have questions: “How do I get high if the bag stays closed? Won’t that mean none of the drug is absorbed into my bloodstream?” Yes, it does mean that. That’s where the plane comes in. You see, that’s the best part: You don’t have to actually ingest any heroin, it all works by atmospheric homeopathy. Don’t look it up. It’s something about the way the atmospheric pressure interacts with the heroin molecules that are, again, embedded within an enclosed plastic container that is further embedded within your vagina or butthole. I don’t really understand it—I’m no scientist—but it’s legit. I’ve seen papers about it. You don’t need to see them. What’s important is that you get the high without any of the unpleasant side effects or possible life-ruining of a failed drug test.
That’s just one of the many, many bonuses of this form of heroin consumption. It’s also eco-friendly! Since none of the heroin is actually consumed, it can be used again and again, making it the only renewable source of sick highs. Once you arrive at your destination—it’s gotta be somewhere overseas, otherwise you’re not airborne long enough to get the full effects—one of my trusted associates will be waiting for you at the airport. All you have to do is go through customs, excuse yourself to the restroom, extract your bundle of illicit goodness, and surreptitiously hand it off to him. Voilà! You just got wasted, waste-free.
Also? It’s a steal at a mere $500. Usually, this much heroin plus the cost of airfare would run into the thousands of dollars, but my exclusive agreement with the suppliers means I can offer it to you at a deep discount. No, don’t thank me. If anything, you’re doing me a favor.
Just meet me behind the Ralph’s at 5:00 AM on Tuesday to be on the cutting edge of what will no doubt become the latest drug fad. You wanna be able to tell all your friends you got in on the ground floor of atmospheric homeopathy, don’t you? But seriously, tell all your friends. I can always use new customers. Whatever you do, just don’t Google it. Or “placebo effect.” Or “accessory to international drug trafficking.”