Detox From Your Las Vegas Weekend With These Home Remedies
[vc_row][vc_column][vc_column_text]Sometimes what happens in Vegas doesn’t stay in Vegas. (We’re looking at your tummy, Susan!) Never fear, Constant Reader, we here at Bunny Ears have seen it all, done it all, and buried it all in the desert. Once you’ve gotten rid of the evidence you’ll need to focus on self-care and rid your mind, body and spirit of all the filth you just voluntarily subjected yourself to. We’ve compiled the essential list of Las Vegas detox remedies for the three most common Sin City mistakes.
THE “WHERE AM I”
It happens to the best of us. You wake up in a stranger’s bed, wondering how you got there, why your head is pounding, and where the fuck all this glitter came from. Don’t panic, we got you. First, make sure you’re safe, and all your organs are intact. If they are, that means you just had sex with some rando and you (probably) aren’t in any real danger. Next, call a Lyft or ask your new friend out for breakfast (if they still look good in the light of day).
Once you’re alone you’ll need to take care of that hangover and remove the glitter. Here is how the pros do it!
Natural Hangover Cures:
– Drinking a Bloody Mary and taking a nap
– Poolside Vitamin B12 Injections, ask your concierge
– Classic combo of cold shower, strong coffee, hard look in mirror, quick closed-handed slap across face
Natural Glitter Removers:
– Getting out of Las Vegas ASAP
– Military interrogation style hose down
– Coconut Oil
THE “OH SHIT I HAVE GONORRHEA”
We know he wasn’t Fat Elvis. He was young, sexy, pelvis gyrating Elvis. And he wasn’t lip-syncing. He could carry a tune. But he wasn’t really Elvis. And you really shouldn’t have had sex with him in the backseat of his 2008 Honda Civic just because he dedicated “Burning Love” to you. However, we do find it ironic that you now have gonorrhea. Never fear, this age-old recipe is a natural antidote to almost any sexual indiscretion.
1 bottle apple cider vinegar
17 organic pumpkin seeds
3 cage-free eggs
5 oz kefir
1 lb ethically sourced organic organ meat
1 wild-caught fish
3 TB kimchi
Blend all ingredients well except for apple cider vinegar and drink with 1 tsp of Manuka honey. Pour the entire bottle of apple cider vinegar all over your junk and call it a day.
THE “I BROKE MY FEMUR AND NOW I’M ADDICTED TO METH”
That wasn’t cocaine you were snorting! You just did two lines of meth in the bathroom at the Cirque du Soleil show. That’s so cute you thought you were part of the show! You took off running at full speed down the theater stairs and leapt off the balcony onto the stage. You almost caught hold of the trapeze, but unfortunately you whacked your leg on the edge of a giant flying pirate ship, and that’s how you broke your femur.
Look, we’re not doctors so we can’t help you with the whole femur thing, but we’d like to offer a remedy for you new meth addiction.
2 TB activated charcoal
1 bundle of sage
¼ cup wild black truffle, foraged by award-winning Italian truffle hunting dogs
4 TB coriander oil
14 wild saffron threads, woven into the shape of a hexagon
7 crystals, one that corresponds to each major chakra
Draw a bath by the light of a full moon while repeating your new mantra, “I am a whole and radiant being without the need or desire for drugs or circus performance.”
Light the sage and put it out, so it’s smoking. Place the saffron hexagon under your tongue. Make a tincture of the other ingredients in a crystal singing bowl and rub it into every pore of your body with the burning sage.
Drop each crystal into the water ceremoniously and lower yourself in. Bathe normally. Repeat if desired. Don’t do meth again.
All in all, you really got the most out of Vegas and for that we’re proud of you. Maybe next time you’ll make better decisions, but you probably won’t. That’s ok, we’ll be here for you. In fact, we’ll probably see you there![/vc_column_text][/vc_column][/vc_row]