Are You Really A Psychic Medium? Find Out Right Now!

June 17, 2018 by , featured in Spiritual Wellness
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Most Americans are boring, ordinary muggles with a tragic inability to do anything cool like talk to dead people, move things with their mind, or recognize how funny I am on Twitter. However, a tiny fraction of us have “the gift.” You might have the gift already and not even know it. All you need now to unlock your hidden potential is some radioactive toxic waste, lightning, or several glasses of wine. We here at Bunny Ears care about helping you develop your psychic abilities more than anything in the world, so answer these 10 questions and see how you scored below!

1. Do you have a cool, vaguely paranormal-sounding name?

If your name is something like “Doug” or “Janine,” then I am sorry to be the one to tell you that you are not a psychic medium. You will never be able to communicate directly with your dead loved ones or have your own TED talk. But if your name is Litany, Erasma, Wand, Fleur, or Barbara, then you might be in luck!

real psychic
Bonus points for a proclivity for enormous scarves.

2. Do you consult on missing persons cases?

Bonus points if you work for a skeptical, no-nonsense, probably ethnic district attorney who initially doesn’t believe in your gifts or your outside-the-box detective ways but who comes around eventually and bends the rules to facilitate your unorthodox crime-solving abilities.

3. Every time you try to draw or paint something, does it come out looking like a dead person?

This is an absolutely classic sign that you are a truly gifted psychic medium and/or you suck at art.

real psychic
If you can see five or more ghostly shadows in this image, you should get tested for psychic abilities. But you already knew that, right?

4. Are you a former Catholic?

Nothing says “authentic” like growing up Catholic. Ideally, you have some rosaries lying around, but not like you’re making a thing of it. Sure, maybe it was just the trauma of growing up in the Church that left you psychological scars whose symptoms present as “messages” from the other side, but also maybe all that cool weird iconography opened some kind of portal in your spiritmind, or something, I guess?

5. Do you have your own church?

Sure, the mainstream organized religion in which you were raised is based on the combined wisdom of several thousand years of human culture, but, like, it just doesn’t really fit your personal understanding of metaphysics, which is based on weed and a single 100-level college course in anthropology or something. You’re basically the Steve Jobs of spirituality, so there’s a good chance you can talk to dead people as well.

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6. In your place of business, do you regularly charge people a low upfront cost for consultation only to jack up the prices once they are hooked by offering, for example, to remove the curse of negative energy on nine generations of their bloodline for nine-hundred dollars?

real psychic
This could also just mean you’re a dick.

7. Do you make regular appearances on daytime television talk shows and/or have you inspired an episode of CSI?

Primetime TV is also acceptable. Nothing says “legit superpowers” like being on The Real Housewives of Potomac.

8. Are you really into essential oils?

But like, not like lavender and sandalwood and shit. I’m talking about Palo Santo, Helichrysum, and the kind of stuff you’d find in a hookup bag to fuck the Easter Bunny.

real psychic
He’s smelled better days.

9. Do you have a glass eye?

Those are so cool.

10. Do electronics mysteriously stop working around you?

Electronics mostly work for most people, so if your iPhone mysteriously stops working, it’s a pretty good indicator a dead person wants to slide into your DMs. That stands for “deadpeople messages.”

SCORING

Give yourself one point for each “yes” answer and check your score against this key!

0-3  Not only are you not a psychic medium, you are also on the boring side of just a regular person. If you ever want to be interesting enough to talk to the dead or even the living, we highly recommend you purchase this shirt or get a glass eye.

4-9  You are not a medium, but you could definitely convince most people you are. Most people are idiots.

10  Congrats! You are a psychic medium! Please relay a message in the comments from a dead person.


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4 Comments

  1. OMG we need to talk. Cannot mention in this reply (or even in a whisper) a few people I know who fit your categories–like number 7. And I knew someone with a glass eye. Wish I could remember who.

    1. Dear Alissa,

      Alas, it does sound like sadly you are not a psychic medium. Are you hearing voices that you had previously assumed were dead people? We should talk about them now that you can safely rule that out.

      Best,
      Nick

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