Panic Healing: A New Healing Method We Invented Via Typo
Ahh! Holy shit! Have you heard about panic healing?! Panic healing is a lot like pranic healing in that it involves a trained practitioner working with your energy aura. But what makes panic healing distinct is that we discovered it after we misspelled pranic! And after performing extensive research and writing based on that misconception, we’ve found it to be extremely effective! Whether you’re nervous because you have a deadline, or you’re anxious because you can’t wrap your head around the sunk cost fallacy, panic healing sends all of that negative energy away! Where does it go?! Straight to hell!
Panic healers (aka myself and three other people in the Bunny Ears offices who delved into this topic based on an unfortunate autocorrect situation in an email thread) believe that, if energy is important, then why not have a lot of it? Adrenaline should be coursing through you at all times! Oh shit, there’s a wolf behind you! Not really, but now you’ve been panic healed! Enjoy the free energy we just gave you. Energy is great! Energy!
Whereas pranic healers use their hands to manipulate your energy with gentle, soothing movements, panic healers pretend to punch you until your fight or flight response kicks in. Then they throw energy drinks at your face and demand that you chug them. Chug, chug, chug! Energy! Keep reading! We’re running out of time! Time we need to get you energized!
Most energy healers practice their craft in a soothing environment, but our panic healers do their thing on increasingly rapid incline treadmills. And behind those treadmills are spikes! And behind the spikes is your father! He’ll express disappointment in you. If your father is busy, we’ll sub in an actor dressed as him. If your father’s approval does not motivate you, we replace your father with a lion! (Panic healing is all about providing a nurturing environment. That’s why we make sure the lion is well cared for).
Skeptics will say there’s no scientific evidence that panic healing works, but that should just make you panic more (and that’s a good thing)! All of your day-to-day concerns fade away when you think you’re going to die. You think you’re stressed out because your coworker keeps devaluing your efforts? You’re not even going to be thinking about that asshole when we’re revving a chainsaw in your face! Why are we revving it?! Because we want what’s best for you! Stop dwelling on the negatives in your life! Be mindful of the present! It’s important to focus on what’s in front of you, especially because the pitching machine is revving up.
Everyone should try panic healing! Panic healing will help you forget your troubles and live in the terrifying moment! Plus we’re screwed if you don’t! We invested so much money into this venture, so it’s very important that you sign up for a panic healing course today! Fuck, the wolf is back!