Meet Our New Au Pair, The Goblin King

If you’re a parent, an important part of self-care is treating yourself to date nights. But paying for a babysitter or au pair can eat into a tight budget, their availability can be erratic, and how many of them can you really trust around your valuable essential oils? That’s why, for all of our childcare concerns, we’ve turned to Jareth, the Goblin King.

Jareth’s Labyrinth of Child Care

The Goblin King is always available, he doesn’t charge a dime, and he’ll take our babies for a full 13 hours at a time! Sure, we have to trek through a baffling Labyrinth to get our little ones back after a big night out, but after the first couple of times through his maze we basically had the place memorized, and now it never takes us more than an hour or two to find the hidden doors, escape the nefarious traps, navigate the bizarre induced dream sequences, and outsmart the violent monsters. Yes, reading all of that probably makes it sounds like a pain, but after a rich dinner, a few drinks, and then a bunch of movie theater junk food, navigating the Bog of Eternal Stench and solving a few riddles is just what we need to drag ourselves out of our food stupor. And it’s good exercise!

Anyway, it’s not all about us; what’s most important is our little ones. The Goblin King shows slavish devotion to our children! Instead of just parking them in their cribs and zoning out in front of the T.V., Jareth spends their time together providing a musical education, sharing his passion for ornithology, showing off his juggling skills, and amusing our children with logic puzzles and baffling optical illusions! That’s a steal, both in this day and age and whatever unknown dimension beyond time and space that Jareth lives in. And seriously, his singing voice. Wow!

Jareth’s Our Little Secret

Now, we will warn you that the Goblin King isn’t great with older kids. Once children are grown enough to get a sense of his mind-bending, Euclidean geometry-defying realm they tend to be deeply unsettled. And some of his attire and comments are, frankly, inappropriate for teenagers. But he means well, and little babies always have a blast in his care. No childcare professional is perfect, but the fact that the Goblin King can always be summoned at a moment’s notice more than makes up for his minor shortcomings.

Honestly, as much as we’re all about sharing our lifestyle tips with the masses, we were really hesitant to spread this little secret of ours. He’s just so convenient! But the nice thing about the Goblin King being a seemingly immortal deity who bends space to his will is that he can make time for any child, no matter how busy his schedule. We really can’t recommend him enough. Just make sure to read the terms of his childcare agreement carefully because, while there’s literally no catch to the fact that his services are free, he does have some pretty strict clauses if you’re late picking your child up. But who has time for a 13-hour date in this day and age anyway? Trust us, the money saved is worth the hassle. Thanks, Jareth!

Image credit: TriStar Pictures